Book Review: The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix

Introduction

As society continues to evolve, so too do the ways we navigate love and relationships. Consensual non-monogamy is becoming increasingly common, with studies showing that approximately 1 in 5 people in North America have engaged in some form of non-monogamous relationship, whether through polyamory, open relationships, or other ethically non-monogamous arrangements (Requarth, 2024). In Canada, similar data has emerged, affirming that non-monogamy is a growing relationship structure rather than a fringe movement. Research also suggests that those in consensually non-monogamous relationships report higher levels of trust and sexual satisfaction compared to their monogamous counterparts, debunking the notion that non-monogamy inherently leads to dysfunction (Requarth, 2024).

For many, this rise in awareness signals an opportunity to explore alternative relationship structures—whether that’s a long-term couple considering opening their relationship or an individual questioning whether monogamy suits their relational orientation. But as more people begin to explore polyamory, it’s clear that the transition can stir up anxiety, particularly around issues like jealousy, boundaries, and emotional security. Navigating these feelings can be daunting without guidance, which is why The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix feels so timely and essential.

Phoenix’s book is a deeply compassionate, trauma-informed resource for individuals considering or currently navigating polyamorous relationships. As a psychotherapist who works with Two Spirit, trans, nonbinary, queer, and ally adults and older teens, I see firsthand how anxieties about love and connection are often magnified in the context of non-monogamy, especially for those living with marginalized identities. Phoenix’s book offers a clear, affirming path through these challenges, making it an indispensable tool for clients and therapists alike. The book’s gentle, anti-oppressive approach makes space for readers to explore their emotions without judgment, helping them find both clarity and comfort in their relationship choices.

First Impressions of the Book

Lola Phoenix’s The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy is structured to gently guide readers through the complexities of polyamorous relationships, particularly those who may experience anxiety or have past trauma. The book is divided into sections that address key concerns faced by individuals exploring non-monogamy, offering a step-by-step approach to navigate these challenges. Phoenix’s writing is deeply empathetic, creating a safe space for readers to engage with topics such as emotional regulation, boundaries, communication, and jealousy.

Each section of the book serves a specific purpose, starting with an exploration of what consensual non-monogamy entails and how it differs from the conventional relationship norms many are accustomed to. Phoenix dispels common myths about polyamory and open relationships, providing reassurance that choosing non-monogamy isn’t inherently destabilizing. This is especially important for readers who may be entering non-monogamy from a place of anxiety or insecurity. Phoenix emphasizes that non-monogamy requires the same level of emotional care, trust, and communication as any relationship structure.

A notable strength of the book is its focus on emotional regulation, with practical exercises woven throughout to help readers better understand their emotional triggers and responses. For example, Phoenix includes mindfulness exercises that help individuals identify when feelings of jealousy or anxiety arise, offering practical strategies for managing these emotions without suppressing them. This hands-on approach makes the book accessible to both beginners and those already experienced in non-monogamous relationships. These exercises not only normalize emotional reactions but also help readers develop skills to move through them with self-compassion and clarity.

Phoenix’s sensitivity to neurodivergent readers and those who have experienced trauma is another key aspect of the book. They thoughtfully consider how neurodivergence and trauma histories might affect one’s experience of polyamory, offering advice that is inclusive and affirming. This is crucial for my work with gender-expansive clients, as many of them have intersecting identities that shape how they navigate relationships. Phoenix’s guidance on how to build secure, trusting connections while honouring one’s emotional boundaries aligns with the trauma-informed practices I integrate into therapy. Their advice feels deeply considerate of individuals who might struggle with both internalized societal norms and personal vulnerabilities.

Overall, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy blends theoretical insights with practical tools, making it a comprehensive resource for anyone exploring non-monogamy, whether they are just beginning their journey or have been practicing it for some time. Phoenix’s clear, reassuring voice provides a necessary counterbalance to the anxieties that often accompany the exploration of new relationship structures, making the book both a guide and a companion for readers.

Key Concepts Covered in the Book

At the heart of The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy is Phoenix’s belief that emotions, no matter how difficult, deserve to be honoured and understood. For many individuals exploring non-monogamy, feelings like jealousy, insecurity, and fear can emerge, often intensifying due to societal conditioning that prioritizes monogamy. Phoenix advocates for a mindful, body-centred approach to these emotions, encouraging readers to acknowledge and sit with their feelings rather than suppressing or dismissing them. This approach closely aligns with the work I do in therapy, particularly with trans and queer clients, where navigating intense emotions while managing multiple intersecting identities often forms a core part of their healing process.

One of the most valuable tools Phoenix introduces is the concept of “anchors”—personal reasons for choosing non-monogamy that individuals can return to when feelings of doubt or insecurity arise. These anchors help ground individuals in their own relationship values, reminding them why they chose this path in the first place. In therapy, I often explore similar themes with clients, particularly through body-centred practices like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. By helping clients connect with their bodies, we can explore the wisdom they carry about safety, connection, and empowerment. Phoenix’s advice to focus on anchors provides a concrete tool that clients can use in moments of anxiety or emotional overwhelm, reminding them to reflect on what matters most in their relationships.

Another significant theme in Phoenix’s work is the emphasis on emotional regulation, a critical skill for navigating non-monogamy. Phoenix introduces practical exercises designed to help readers manage emotional intensity, whether they’re struggling with jealousy, anxiety, or fear of abandonment. For example, they advocate for mindfulness practices that encourage readers to observe their emotions without judgment, allowing them to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. This is particularly relevant for neurodivergent individuals or those who have experienced trauma, as these exercises help build emotional resilience and self-awareness. In therapy, I often incorporate similar exercises to help clients develop a more compassionate relationship with their emotions, especially when societal norms have invalidated their experiences.

Phoenix also delves into the importance of setting boundaries in non-monogamous relationships, a topic that resonates strongly with my therapeutic work. Boundaries are a form of self-care, and Phoenix emphasizes that setting and maintaining boundaries is essential for emotional well-being in any relationship structure, but especially in non-monogamous ones. They explore how boundaries can shift over time and encourage readers to revisit their boundaries regularly, ensuring that they align with their current needs and values. This flexibility is crucial for many of my clients, who are navigating multiple layers of identity and relationship complexity. Phoenix’s insights offer a roadmap for clients to explore how their boundaries can evolve alongside their personal growth.

Finally, Phoenix touches on the cultural and societal pressures that influence how individuals experience non-monogamy, especially in relation to gender and queerness. Their work acknowledges that many individuals engaging in non-monogamy are also navigating systemic oppression, whether that’s transphobia, homophobia, racism, or ableism. By situating non-monogamy within this broader cultural context, Phoenix provides readers with a deeper understanding of the unique challenges they may face. This intersectional lens is particularly important for my clients, many of whom are exploring not just non-monogamy but also their own identities within oppressive systems. Phoenix’s work encourages readers to be gentle with themselves, recognizing that their relationship journeys are shaped by more than just personal choice—they are also shaped by the world around them.

How This Book Stands Out

The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy stands out not only for its approachable writing and practical advice but also for its integration of trauma-informed care and neurodivergent-friendly frameworks. Unlike many other books on non-monogamy that may assume a baseline level of emotional resilience and simplicity in relationship dynamics, Phoenix intentionally makes space for emotional complexity. They invite readers to honour their feelings and practice self-compassion, which is especially valuable for individuals who experience intense emotions, anxiety, or trauma in relationships. This unique emphasis on emotional awareness sets Phoenix’s work apart, as it helps readers build resilience through mindfulness and reflection rather than through avoidance or suppression.

Phoenix’s book also stands out for its inclusivity. They explicitly acknowledge the intersecting identities—such as race, class, gender, and disability—that shape how people experience both non-monogamy and relationship anxiety. This intersectional lens is critical for readers from marginalized communities who may not see their experiences reflected in mainstream relationship guides. The book recognizes that systemic oppression adds layers of complexity to the already challenging terrain of non-monogamy. For example, queer and trans individuals might face not only internal anxieties about relationship structures but also external pressures related to societal stigma, discrimination, or the erasure of their identities. By framing these issues within the broader context of trauma and oppression, Phoenix ensures that the book remains accessible and validating to a wide range of readers.

Another notable aspect of Phoenix’s work is their gentle dismantling of mononormativity—the cultural assumption that monogamy is the only valid or successful form of relationship. They challenge this narrative with compassion, helping readers understand that non-monogamy is not inherently more difficult or chaotic than monogamy, but rather that it requires its own skill set. Therapists working with gender-diverse clients will appreciate how Phoenix advocates for autonomy and self-trust in these explorations. Rather than imposing a rigid relationship model, Phoenix encourages readers to choose relationship structures that align with their values, needs, and desires. This is particularly significant for my clients, many of whom are exploring non-monogamy while navigating gender identity, internalized transphobia, or other forms of systemic oppression.

The inclusion of neurodivergent-friendly advice is another way The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy stands out. Phoenix acknowledges that neurodivergent individuals, including those with autism or ADHD, may approach relationships and emotions differently. They offer practical tips and strategies for managing emotional overwhelm, communication challenges, and sensory sensitivities in non-monogamous relationships. This neurodiversity-conscious approach is crucial for many of my clients, as it validates their experiences and provides tools that are accessible and adaptable to their needs. Phoenix’s writing also emphasizes the importance of clear communication and routine check-ins, helping neurodivergent individuals build and maintain relationships that feel safe and supportive.

Ultimately, Phoenix’s ability to blend trauma-informed care, neurodivergent inclusivity, and intersectional awareness makes this book a rare and necessary resource in the field of non-monogamous relationship guides. It offers readers a compassionate, thoughtful path toward self-discovery, emotional growth, and fulfilling relationships—whether monogamous or non-monogamous. For therapists and individuals alike, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy is a valuable tool for those seeking to explore non-traditional relationship dynamics with a foundation of mindfulness, empathy, and resilience.

Practical Applications in Therapy

For therapists working with Two Spirit, trans, nonbinary, and queer clients, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy offers practical tools that can be seamlessly integrated into therapeutic sessions. One of the key takeaways from Phoenix’s work is their focus on emotional regulation, which is especially valuable for clients navigating both their relationship structures and their gender identities. Non-monogamous relationships often amplify anxieties like jealousy, fear of abandonment, and boundary setting. These emotions, if left unexamined, can disrupt a person’s sense of self and relational stability. Phoenix’s book provides concrete strategies to help clients identify, understand, and manage these intense feelings.

A particularly valuable tool Phoenix presents is the concept of identifying “anchors.” Anchors are deeply personal reasons for choosing non-monogamy that help clients stay grounded during times of relational turbulence. This practice of anchoring mirrors somatic therapies like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, which emphasize the importance of connecting with the body’s felt sense as a way of fostering safety and regulation. In therapy, I find that guiding clients through the process of identifying their relational anchors helps them reconnect with their values and intentions. For clients who are exploring both their gender identity and relationship structures, this exercise can be especially powerful. It allows them to root into their core values, helping them feel more secure and calm, even when facing difficult emotions like jealousy or fear.

For clients struggling with relationship and gender dysphoria simultaneously, this technique can be transformative. By using anchors to reconnect with their deepest relational wisdom, clients can step back from the immediate intensity of their emotions and reflect on the bigger picture. Why did they choose non-monogamy? What values drive their relationship decisions? These reflective questions, prompted by Phoenix’s framework, offer clients an opportunity to shift their focus from reactive emotions to a more mindful, values-driven understanding of their relationships.

In my own practice, I might guide a client to explore the physical sensations associated with feelings of jealousy or fear as a way to help them regulate their nervous system. By gently tuning into the body’s response, clients often discover the power of pausing, breathing, and reconnecting with their anchors. Phoenix emphasizes that these anchors can serve as reminders of their autonomy, personal growth, and commitment to relational values that extend beyond immediate emotional discomfort. For clients who are neurodivergent or have experienced trauma, this practice is particularly crucial because it helps build a sense of safety and regulation that can be revisited whenever they feel overwhelmed.

Phoenix also touches on the importance of boundaries in non-monogamous relationships—a concept that is integral to both emotional health and relationship security. In therapy, I often help clients develop the language to set and maintain boundaries that feel aligned with their needs. Phoenix’s insights offer a useful framework for discussing boundaries as both flexible and adaptable, giving clients the freedom to reassess their limits as their relationships and identities evolve. This is especially important for gender-diverse clients, who may find that their boundaries shift as they gain more confidence in their gender expression or as they encounter new relationship dynamics.

Another key aspect of Phoenix’s work is the normalization of complex emotions within non-monogamy. Many clients who are new to polyamory may feel shame or confusion when intense emotions arise, worrying that they are failing at non-monogamy. Phoenix’s gentle, compassionate approach helps clients understand that feeling anxious, jealous, or fearful is not a sign of failure but rather an opportunity for growth and deeper self-awareness. In therapy, I often remind clients that these emotions are normal and manageable with the right tools. By working with Phoenix’s strategies, clients can begin to develop the emotional resilience needed to navigate the complexities of polyamory while also tending to their own mental health.

Ultimately, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy offers therapists and clients a valuable set of tools for exploring non-monogamous relationships with a sense of groundedness and self-compassion. From emotional regulation techniques to boundary setting and reflective exercises like anchoring, Phoenix provides practical guidance that can support clients in deepening their relationships with themselves and their partners. For individuals who are exploring non-monogamy while also navigating gender identity or trauma, this book offers a gentle, inclusive approach that resonates with the core principles of anti-oppressive, trauma-informed care.

Conclusion

The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix is more than just a relationship guide—it’s a resource for emotional resilience, mindful self-reflection, and personal autonomy. For therapists working with clients who have complex identities, this book is invaluable in providing a compassionate framework for exploring non-monogamy while honouring personal growth and self-compassion. It empowers readers to embrace their emotions and offers practical tools for navigating the unique challenges of polyamory in a way that is affirming, inclusive, and well-suited for anxious partners.

Borrow or Purchase the Book

If you’re interested in The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy, consider borrowing it from your local library or supporting queer-inclusive bookstores across Canada. In Vancouver, you can find this book at Cross and Crows Books or Little Sisters, while in Toronto, it’s available at Glad Day Bookshop. In Halifax, check out Venus Envy, Halifax Bookmark, or Agricola Street Books. By purchasing from these independent, community-focused stores, you help foster a more diverse and inclusive literary landscape, supporting businesses that prioritize LGBTQ+ voices and stories.

Conclusion

The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix is more than just a relationship guide—it’s a resource for emotional resilience, mindful self-reflection, and personal autonomy. For therapists working with clients who have complex identities, this book is invaluable in providing a compassionate framework for exploring non-monogamy while honouring personal growth and self-compassion. It empowers readers to embrace their emotions and offers practical tools for navigating the unique challenges of polyamory in a way that is affirming, inclusive, and sensitive to the needs of the anxious partner.

Let’s Continue the Conversation

If the ideas in this blog resonate with you, someone you love, or your own therapy practice, I invite you to take the next step. Whether you’re a therapist seeking support with integrating non-monogamy into your practice, or someone navigating the complexities of non-monogamous relationships and looking for compassionate, affirming guidance, I’m here to help. You may book an individual therapy session or peer consultation with me to explore how we can build meaningful, affirming connections together. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to connect with me. And be sure to bookmark this blog for future book reviews and insights.

References

Requarth, T. (2024, May 5). Nonmonogamy by the numbers: Does having multiple partners make for less-satisfying relationships? We don’t have to judge—we can look at the data. Slate. https://slate.com/technology/2024/05/polyamory-nonmonogomy-dating-relationships-sex.html

Phoenix, L. (Year). The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy. Publisher.