Queer Family: A Journey Through History, Evolution, and Therapy

Family together outdoors

Introduction: Reflections on Family, Ancestry, and Queer Legacy

As a trans and queer therapist, I often find myself reflecting on my own family tree—a project I’ve been working on for years as a genealogy hobbyist. This journey into the past serves multiple purposes: understanding where I come from, grappling with the reality that my ancestors colonized the eastern shores of Turtle Island, and dreaming about who among them might have been queer, gender-questioning, or felt different like me. There is something powerful about searching through records, imagining the lives of those who came before us, especially those who might have never had the opportunity to live fully as themselves.

These ancestors, erased or hidden by a dominant cisheteronormative society, are part of the history that shapes queer families today. Who were they? How many of them had to keep their identities concealed, or were forcibly silenced by cultural norms and systemic oppression? The resilience of queer identities throughout history, even in the face of erasure, is a source of strength for me. It connects me to a lineage of survival, quiet resistance, and the longing for authenticity that transcends generations.

The work of genealogy isn’t just about finding names and dates—it’s also about imagining the stories behind them. I find myself wondering which ancestors felt that pull toward something different, who might have challenged the strict roles assigned to them by gender or society. Were there gender-expansive people in my lineage who passed without recognition, or same-gender-loving individuals who lived in the shadows? As I uncover details about my ancestors, I often feel a sense of grief for those who may have been unable to express their full selves, their identities lost to time and societal constraints.

But my reflections also stem from the joy and complexity of my own family. I have a wife, and together, we are raising a teenager. Our life is a queer one, built on a foundation of love, resilience, and chosen kin. In many ways, our family is a reflection of the deep, historical need for queer people to create spaces of belonging and connection. Our existence challenges traditional definitions of family, much like those queer ancestors may have done quietly in their own ways.

In my practice, I work with many trans*, nonbinary, and queer clients, partners, and families who, like us, are navigating the unique challenges and joys of queer family life. Whether they are biological families or chosen families, these clients demonstrate the power of queer kinship—of building loving, supportive networks that defy conventional boundaries. Queer families, both in history and in the present, are about carving out space in a world that often tries to deny our existence. It is this legacy of survival and joy that I honour in both my personal and professional life.

Expanding my understanding of my ancestry is also a way of expanding the possibilities for queer families. It serves as a reminder that we have always existed, even when society attempted to erase us. By recognizing the queer and gender-expansive possibilities in my own lineage, I feel a deeper connection to the clients and families I serve. Together, we honour the past while building a future where queer families can thrive in their authenticity, with the space to fully express their identities without fear or constraint.

Defining the Queer Family

Queer families have always existed, although they have not always been recognized. Historically, dominant cultural norms and laws have framed families in a heteronormative context, centring around marriage between a man and a woman, biological kinship, and nuclear family structures. However, queer families disrupt and expand these traditional notions, offering alternative ways of understanding kinship, love, and care. As Riordon (2001) highlights, queer families often form through choice, built on mutual care and support rather than strictly biological connections or state-sanctioned recognition (p. 5). These families include a range of configurations: same-sex couples, polyamorous groups, blended families, and chosen families that transcend conventional legal frameworks (Shelton, 2013).

The foundational principle of queer families is that relationships of care—not just biological ties or legal status—define what it means to be family. This distinction is critical because it reframes family as something we actively create, rather than something we are passively born into. The significance of this shift is particularly powerful for queer people, many of whom have been alienated from their biological families due to homophobia, transphobia, or other forms of oppression. As Riordon (2001) notes, queer individuals often have to “improvise” their own kinship networks, creating new familial structures based on shared values, love, and care (p. 5). This improvisation is not just a survival strategy—it’s a transformative way of thinking about belonging and connection.

In contrast to the rigid, heteronormative family models, queer families are dynamic and fluid. They are formed with intention, often out of necessity, in response to the exclusionary nature of traditional family systems. For instance, chosen families are a central aspect of queer life, where individuals build supportive, long-lasting relationships with people who may not share their bloodlines but who provide the care, love, and community that might be lacking in their biological families. Chosen family structures allow for the creation of homes where members feel seen, valued, and loved for who they are, without needing to conform to restrictive societal expectations.

Moreover, queer families reflect an expansive understanding of kinship that includes multiple layers of care, love, and responsibility. Polyamorous relationships, for example, demonstrate how queer families can encompass romantic, sexual, and emotional connections with more than one partner. These relationships defy the traditional marriage model, which is typically monogamous and nuclear, and instead allow for the creation of communities of care that are not limited by conventional relational hierarchies. In these communities, the meaning of family is broadened to include those who share emotional, physical, or spiritual bonds, regardless of the form those bonds take (Shelton, 2013).

At the heart of queer families is the belief that love and care can exist outside the boundaries of legality, biology, or heteronormativity. The legal recognition of same-sex marriage and adoption, while monumental, is not the only measure of validity for queer families. Queer kinship has always extended beyond the legal realm, grounded in the belief that family is defined by mutual care, support, and connection. This relational model offers a radical departure from conventional definitions of family, affirming that our most important relationships are those we choose, nurture, and grow, rather than those we inherit through biology or law.

As Shelton (2013) notes, queer families are also political, pushing back against systems of exclusion and discrimination. The visibility of queer families challenges societal norms that dictate what family should look like and how it should function. In doing so, queer families open up new possibilities for kinship, community, and belonging. By existing, they resist erasure and assert the right to love and care on their own terms.

Queer families also hold space for the fluidity of gender, race, class, and other intersecting identities, recognizing that kinship is not static but evolves as individuals grow and change. For example, trans* and nonbinary individuals may experience shifts in their family structures as they transition or come out, redefining their relationships with biological or chosen family members. In these instances, queer families demonstrate remarkable flexibility and resilience, adapting to the needs and identities of their members in ways that honour their full, authentic selves.

In essence, queer families are about creating spaces of belonging, acceptance, and love that stand in contrast to societal norms. As Riordon (2001) emphasizes, the queer relational universe allows individuals to craft family configurations that reflect their diverse needs and desires, improvising new structures of care in the absence of societal support (p. 5). This creativity is not only a response to marginalization but also a gift—a way of reimagining what family can be, free from the constraints of heteronormativity.

Evolution and Legalization: From Marriage Equality to Parental Rights

The legalization of marriage equality marked a watershed moment for queer families, signifying a profound shift in the recognition of LGBTQ+ relationships. In Canada, same-sex marriage was legalized nationwide in 2005 after years of relentless activism, legal battles, and societal debate (Riordon, 2001). This victory granted queer couples the same legal rights that had long been exclusive to heterosexual couples, such as access to healthcare benefits, inheritance rights, spousal protections, and—critically—parental recognition. Marriage equality has allowed queer families to navigate societal institutions with more ease, removing some of the legal barriers that previously marginalized them (Yarbrough, Jones, & DeFilippis, 2019, p. 5).

However, the path to marriage equality was not a straightforward victory. It sparked a complex debate about what kinds of queer relationships were being legitimized by the state and which forms of kinship were left out. Some queer activists, as Riordon (2001) observes, argue that marriage equality, while a monumental step, has steered the queer community toward more heteronormative structures (p. 7). By focusing on the legal recognition of monogamous, marriage-based relationships, this landmark legislation risks sidelining non-normative family forms, such as polyamorous relationships and chosen families, which have long been central to queer kinship.

For many within the queer community, family has always extended beyond legal and biological ties. Chosen families—formed through emotional bonds and shared experiences—have provided safety, love, and support for individuals estranged from their biological families. Polyamorous families, likewise, disrupt traditional notions of family by embracing multiple romantic and emotional connections. Critics of marriage equality contend that by prioritizing legal marriage as the ultimate form of recognition, other, equally valid forms of queer kinship remain under-recognized and unsupported by the state (Riordon, 2001, p. 8). This critique underscores the reality that while marriage equality offers legal security, it does not represent the full diversity of queer families.

The journey toward parental rights has been similarly fraught with challenges. Historically, queer individuals faced substantial barriers to becoming legal parents, whether through adoption, surrogacy, or other means. Non-biological parents in queer relationships, in particular, have struggled to gain legal recognition as parents, often facing discrimination from legal systems that prioritize biological connections. Although legal advancements have been made, queer families still encounter hurdles when it comes to parental rights, especially in cases involving same-sex or non-binary parents.

Shelton (2013) highlights how these challenges persist, particularly for families who rely on surrogacy or foster care systems (p. 3). Queer parents may still face discrimination in family court or adoption agencies, where heteronormative assumptions about what constitutes a ‘fit’ family are often deeply ingrained. Moreover, for families with non-biological parents, legal recognition can involve lengthy and expensive legal processes, such as second-parent adoptions, which are not uniformly recognized across jurisdictions.

In many cases, legal systems have failed to keep pace with the evolving understanding of family. For example, queer families created through surrogacy or sperm donation often face additional scrutiny when it comes to establishing legal parentage, with courts favouring biological connections over intentional parenthood. Despite these barriers, queer families continue to challenge and adapt to legal systems that are slowly evolving to recognize the diversity of family structures.

The legal landscape surrounding queer families is also shaped by intersectionality. Queer families of colour, for example, often face compounded barriers when navigating legal systems due to both racial and queer discrimination. As queer family law continues to develop, it is crucial for legal systems to recognize the intersection of race, class, and queerness in shaping family experiences. As Yarbrough et al. (2019) point out, the struggle for parental rights is not merely about legal recognition—it’s also about ensuring that queer families have equitable access to resources and support systems (p. 6).

In recent years, there has been a growing recognition of the importance of protecting non-biological parents’ rights within queer families. This shift represents a broader societal acceptance of family configurations that deviate from the traditional nuclear model. In Canada, for example, recent legislation has allowed for the recognition of more than two legal parents in some cases, acknowledging that many families, particularly queer families, involve more than just two parents (Shelton, 2013, p. 4). This legal recognition is critical for providing security to families who rely on co-parenting or polyamorous parenting arrangements.

Despite these legal advancements, challenges remain. Queer parents are still navigating systems that were not designed with their family structures in mind. Legal recognition of their families is often hard-won, involving bureaucratic processes that heterosexual families seldom encounter. However, the resilience of queer communities continues to push these systems to evolve, adapting to the diverse and dynamic nature of queer families.

At the heart of these legal struggles is the desire for validation—not just in the eyes of the law but also within society as a whole. For many queer families, legal recognition affirms their legitimacy, granting them the same rights and protections that heterosexual families take for granted. Yet, as important as legal recognition is, it is only one part of the broader cultural acceptance that queer families continue to fight for. As Riordon (2001) poignantly notes, queer families are about much more than just legal status—they are about love, care, and community, often created in the face of systemic exclusion (p. 5).

In sum, the journey from marriage equality to parental rights reflects the ongoing evolution of how society understands and recognizes queer families. These victories, while significant, are just one piece of the broader movement toward true equality for queer families. As we continue to push for legal and societal acceptance, we must remember that the diversity of queer families—whether married, polyamorous, or chosen—deserves recognition and respect. The legal victories we celebrate today are a testament to the resilience and determination of queer communities, but the work is far from over. Our families, in all their beautiful diversity, continue to evolve, and so too must the laws that seek to govern them.

Working with Queer Families in Therapy

For therapists working with queer families, it is essential to approach these clients with an understanding of their unique dynamics and the intersectionality of their experiences. Queer families often navigate societal pressures, discrimination, and internalized biases, and as a therapist, it is crucial to create a space where clients feel seen, affirmed, and safe. Providing culturally competent, affirmative care means not only recognizing but also celebrating the diversity of queer families, which may include same-sex parents, trans* parents, polyamorous families, and chosen families.

One foundational aspect of working with queer families is understanding that their experiences are shaped by intersecting factors such as race, class, disability, and sexual or gender identity. Families of colour, for example, may face compounded discrimination due to both racism and homophobia or transphobia. In such cases, it is important for therapists to adopt an intersectional and anti-oppressive approach. Intersectionality, as coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw (1989), highlights how multiple social identities interact to create distinct experiences of discrimination or privilege. For queer families of colour, therapists must remain particularly attuned to the ways these intersecting identities influence family dynamics (Yarbrough, Jones, & DeFilippis, 2019). In therapy, acknowledging these layers of oppression can validate the family’s experience and provide a framework for discussing resilience.

Creating an affirming, nonjudgmental space is crucial for supporting queer families’ mental health and well-being. As Tasker and Malley (2012) explain, therapy with LGBTQ+ families often involves addressing unique stressors such as navigating societal expectations or managing the complexities of coming out (p. 183). Coming out is a recurring process for many LGBTQ+ individuals and families, particularly because society often assumes heterosexuality as the default. Valory Mitchell (2012) emphasizes that coming out is not a one-time event, but a relational experience that unfolds over time (p. 131). This process can be especially complex within queer families, where multiple family members may come out at different stages in life. Supporting families through this process involves normalizing the ongoing nature of coming out and providing tools for open, honest communication.

Therapists must also understand the implications of chosen families, which are central to many queer individuals. As discussed by Giamattei and Green (2012), chosen families, formed through mutual care and support, challenge the traditional biological and legal definitions of family (p. 12). These families often serve as vital sources of support, particularly for individuals who have been rejected by their families of origin due to their sexual orientation or gender identity. Therapists working with chosen families must validate these kinship structures and recognize the significance of the care and connection that exists within them, even when legal or biological ties are absent.

In working with queer families, therapists are also likely to encounter issues related to parenting and parent-child relationships. Some LGBTQ+ parents may experience challenges related to legal recognition, especially in cases of adoption, surrogacy, or assisted reproductive technologies. Moreover, LGBTQ+ parents may face unique pressures regarding disclosure and visibility. For example, parents may need to navigate how much to disclose about their family structure to schools or social networks, particularly if they live in less accepting environments. These decisions can cause stress, especially when coupled with concerns about their children’s well-being in environments that may not fully accept or support queer families.

Therapists must also be mindful of the ways in which systemic discrimination, such as heteronormativity and transphobia, affect these families. The stress of living in a world that often does not acknowledge or affirm their family structure can manifest in a range of mental health issues, including anxiety, depression, and internalized homophobia or transphobia. An affirmative approach, as outlined by Shelton (2013), helps clients to explore and counter the harmful impact of societal stigma on their self-concept and family dynamics (p. 63). This can involve helping clients to reframe their experiences in a way that affirms their identities and relationships.

One of the primary goals of therapy with queer families is to build resilience. Resilience, as discussed by Coolhart (2012), is a core component of LGBTQ+ family life, particularly in the face of societal marginalization (p. 201). Supporting queer families in therapy means fostering their strengths and helping them navigate the unique challenges they face. Whether through facilitating communication, supporting family members in their coming-out journeys, or helping families manage the stress of societal discrimination, therapists can play a key role in affirming and strengthening queer families.

Working with queer families requires a deep understanding of their unique dynamics and challenges. By adopting an intersectional, anti-oppressive framework, and providing affirmative, culturally competent care, therapists can create a supportive environment where queer families feel seen, valued, and empowered. These families, in all their diversity, are a testament to the resilience, adaptability, and love that define queer kinship.

Affirming Queer Families Through Resilience and Strength-Based Approaches

One of the most critical aspects of working with queer families is recognizing and affirming their resilience. Queer families have historically faced a range of challenges, from societal marginalization to legal hurdles, and have developed unique strengths in response to these pressures. As therapists, one of our primary goals is to help queer families identify and leverage their existing strengths, while also building resilience to face future challenges.

Resilience, as Coolhart (2012) highlights, is not merely about overcoming adversity but about thriving in the face of it (p. 202). Queer families often possess deep wells of creativity, adaptability, and mutual care—qualities that have been cultivated through navigating social and systemic barriers. By centring these strengths in therapy, we can help queer families to see themselves not as victims of oppression, but as empowered agents capable of crafting their own futures.

In practice, this means focusing on the unique ways queer families provide support to one another. For example, in chosen families, members have often learned to redefine kinship and care in ways that transcend biological or legal ties. These families are intentional in their relationships, which can be a source of immense strength. As Giamattei and Green (2012) observe, the ability to consciously form families based on mutual love and support is itself a demonstration of resilience and agency (p. 14). In therapy, validating and celebrating these chosen kinship structures helps queer families see the value of the support systems they’ve created.

A strength-based approach in therapy also involves helping queer families develop coping strategies for the unique stressors they face. Whether it’s navigating a hostile school environment or dealing with discrimination in healthcare settings, queer families often encounter systemic challenges that can affect their mental health. As Shelton (2013) points out, therapists can play a crucial role in helping families to build communication strategies, self-advocacy skills, and community connections that bolster their resilience (p. 67).

Moreover, resilience is not only about overcoming external challenges but also about fostering joy and connection within the family. Therapy can be a space where families are encouraged to celebrate their identities, relationships, and achievements. By affirming their identities and emphasizing the strengths that make their family unique, therapists can help queer families move from a survival-based mindset to one focused on thriving.

Finally, a strength-based approach requires therapists to remain mindful of the intersectional challenges queer families may face. For families of colour, for example, resilience-building may involve navigating both racial and queer discrimination. Here, therapists must work to understand the specific social, cultural, and historical contexts that shape each family’s experience, ensuring that their resilience strategies are culturally relevant and anti-oppressive (Yarbrough et al., 2019, p. 8).

By fostering resilience and celebrating strengths, therapists can provide queer families with the tools they need to thrive. In the process, we affirm not only their right to exist but also their capacity to flourish in a world that often seeks to marginalize them.

Conclusion

In working with queer families, therapists are uniquely positioned to provide support that affirms their identities and strengthens their relationships. By understanding the diverse structures and dynamics of queer families—whether they are based on biological ties, chosen kin, or polyamorous relationships—therapists can create a space that honours the complexities of queer life. Through an intersectional and anti-oppressive approach, we can help families navigate societal pressures, overcome discrimination, and build resilience. As queer families continue to evolve, it’s crucial that therapy evolves alongside them, fostering not just survival but thriving.

By focusing on strengths, communication, and mutual care, therapists can support queer families in building lives filled with love, affirmation, and joy. These families, in all their diversity, demonstrate that family is not just about legal recognition or societal norms, but about the connections we choose and the relationships we nurture. As therapists, we have the honour of walking alongside queer families on their journeys, offering guidance, affirmation, and the tools to face life’s challenges.

Continue the Convo

Let’s continue the conversation on how we can best support queer families in therapy. If you’re a therapist looking for guidance on working with LGBTQ+ clients, or if you’re seeking queer family or relationship therapy services, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can create therapeutic environments where queer families feel safe, affirmed, and empowered. Contact me for individual therapy, peer consultations, or collaborative discussions. And don’t forget to bookmark this blog for future insights on queer-affirming therapy practices.

References

Coolhart, D. (2012). Supporting transgender youth and their families in therapy: Facing challenges and harnessing strengths. In J. Bigner & J. Wetchler (Eds.), Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy (pp. 201-218). Routledge.

Giamattei, S., & Green, R. J. (2012). Chosen family: Kinship among LGBTQ+ individuals and communities. In J. Bigner & J. Wetchler (Eds.), Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy (pp. 12-29). Routledge.

Mitchell, V. (2012). Coming out to family: Adrift in a sea of potential meanings. In J. Bigner & J. Wetchler (Eds.), Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy (pp. 130-149). Routledge.

Riordon, M. (2001). Eating fire: Family life on the queer side. Between the Lines.

Shelton, M. (2013). Family pride: What LGBT families should know about navigating home, school, and safety in their neighbourhoods. Beacon Press.

Tasker, F., & Malley, M. (2012). Working with LGBT parents. In J. Bigner & J. Wetchler (Eds.), Handbook of LGBT-Affirmative Couple and Family Therapy (pp. 181-199). Routledge.

Yarbrough, M. W., Jones, A., & DeFilippis, J. N. (Eds.). (2019). Queer families and relationships after marriage equality. Routledge.

Disclaimer: This blog offers general educational information and does not constitute professional advice or establish a therapist-client relationship. Please consult a healthcare provider for personalized guidance. Any decisions based on the content are the reader’s responsibility, and Clayre Sessoms Psychotherapy assumes no liability. All case studies are hypothetical with fictional names and do not reflect actual people. We prioritize your privacy and the confidentiality of all of our clients. We are committed to maintaining a safe, supportive space for 2SLGBTQIA+ community care.

Clayre Sessoms is a trans, queer, and neurodivergent Registered Psychotherapist (RP), Certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist, and Board Certified Art Therapist (ATR-BC), offering online therapy for trans*, nonbinary, queer, and 2SLGBTQIA+ allied adults and teens across Canada. With a deep commitment to trauma-attuned gender-affirming care, Clayre integrates talk therapy, experiential collaboration, and creative expression to support clients to grow, heal, or navigate change. When not working with clients or supervising newly-licensed therapists, Clayre finds solace in nature, where she recharges her creativity and compassion.