Introduction
Conflict between parents and their older teens or young adult children is an all-too-common experience. For many families, these struggles stem from emotional dysregulation—where stress and overwhelming emotions lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and long-standing frustration. Parents may be juggling responsibilities like work, maintaining their social standing, or even the daily household grind, often leaving little room for meaningful conversation and emotional connection. For their teens or young adult children, this lack of support feels isolating and can create emotional rifts that are hard to mend.
For teens who also identify as part of the LGBTQIA+ community, the stakes are even higher. They are navigating the usual pressures of school and relationships and exploring their identities in a world that often fails to provide the necessary affirmation and support. When faced with emotionally immature parents—those who, as clinical psychologist Lindsay Gibson (2019) describes, are emotionally distant, controlling, and uninterested in real emotional intimacy—the result is often deep emotional loneliness and conflict.
Emotionally underdeveloped or “immature” parents, according to Gibson, lack the ability or desire to engage in the nurturing, emotionally safe relationships that teens need. They may expect obedience and attention while dismissing their child’s emotional needs, leaving their teen feeling coerced and unseen. For one teen, self-reliance became a necessity, not a choice. Their parents were more concerned with their social standing and how they were perceived in the community than with their child’s emotional well-being. As this teen pursued hobbies alone and learned to avoid burdening others, their mother would make hurtful comments, lamenting, “I wanted a more compliant kid,” reinforcing feelings of inadequacy and isolation.
This experience is not uncommon for those with emotionally immature parents. As Gibson (2019) notes, EI parents often create a “push-me, pull-me” dynamic, where teens desperately reach for connection, only to find their parents receding further into emotional avoidance. Parents may demand attention while resisting genuine intimacy, leaving teens frustrated and emotionally lonely. In this environment, conflict is inevitable, particularly when teens try to assert their independence or educate their parents about their emotional and identity needs.
Teens growing up in such households often face a lack of validation, which can lead to a sense of being trapped. One parent may shame the teen for expressing their feelings, while the other, more dismissive, diminishes the teen’s emotional experiences. This leaves the young person caught between two invalidating forces, making it incredibly difficult to feel supported or understood.
In the face of these challenges, many teens find themselves forced into self-reliance. They pursue their lives on their own, manage their emotional needs without parental support, and feel as though their parents are incapable of—or unwilling to—provide the nurturing they need. This post is designed to help you—whether you’re an older teen or a young adult—find practical strategies to navigate these conflicts, even when it feels like your parents are emotionally unavailable. By focusing on emotional regulation, improving communication, and fostering stronger relationships, you can develop the skills to maintain stability in your life, even when your parents may be unable to provide it.
Let’s explore these essential steps together and discover how you can find peace and connection in your relationships, even when conflict seems inevitable.
Emotional Regulation: Finding Groundedness When Parents Are Struggling
When parents struggle with emotional dysregulation—whether due to work-related stress, financial concerns, or their own unresolved issues in their early life or relationships—it can leave teens and young adults feeling unanchored. This can be particularly difficult for those who rely on their parents to provide emotional stability and support. However, even in these challenging circumstances, learning to regulate your own emotional responses is a vital step toward finding groundedness, especially when your parents are unable or unwilling to offer the security you need.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) offers a variety of effective tools for managing emotions in stressful situations (Linehan, 2015). One of the most foundational skills in DBT is mindfulness, which involves staying present with your emotions without letting them overwhelm you. Mindfulness helps you observe your emotional state without judgement, allowing you to recognize and process feelings as they arise rather than becoming swept away by them (Chapman & Gratz, 2015). For teens navigating parental emotional turmoil, these techniques can offer a lifeline, helping you stay connected to your own emotional needs even when external support feels unreliable.
In addition to mindfulness, DBT teaches specific strategies such as grounding exercises and deep breathing techniques to help regulate intense emotions. These practices can be particularly useful when faced with parental outbursts, withdrawal, or other destabilizing behaviours. Grounding techniques, like focusing on your breath or paying attention to physical sensations, can help reduce the intensity of emotional reactions, allowing you to approach conflict with a calmer, more centred mindset (Chapman & Gratz, 2015). These tools empower you to step back from reactive emotions, making it easier to engage in productive dialogue rather than escalating conflicts.
It’s also important to recognize that parents struggling with their own emotional regulation often react from a place of fear or unmet needs. According to Gibson (2019), emotionally immature parents may lash out, withdraw, or attempt to control their children in response to their own insecurities and frustrations. Understanding this dynamic can foster empathy. When we see our parents’ reactions as stemming from their own stress or emotional wounds, it becomes easier to maintain compassion, even as we set healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries in this context is crucial. It is essential to acknowledge your parents’ emotional state without sacrificing your own well-being. Maintaining personal emotional regulation doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour; instead, it involves recognizing when it is necessary to distance yourself emotionally in order to protect your mental health. As The Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Skills Workbook for Anger explains, anger and frustration are often reactions to underlying fear or pain (Chapman & Gratz, 2015). By recognizing this in both yourself and your parents, you can better manage your responses, helping to de-escalate conflicts rather than getting caught up in them.
Moreover, cultivating emotional regulation not only helps you manage interactions with your parents but also provides a broader sense of emotional stability. For teens and young adults who are already dealing with external pressures like school, relationships, and identity exploration—particularly for those within the LGBTQIA+ community—being able to regulate emotions independently is empowering. It allows you to navigate parental conflict with a greater sense of control and self-assurance.
In summary, emotional regulation is not just about controlling your reactions in the moment. It’s about creating a buffer between yourself and external chaos, allowing you to respond with thoughtfulness and care rather than being driven by reactive emotions. Through practices like mindfulness, grounding exercises, and boundary setting, you can maintain emotional stability, even when the world around you—including your relationship with your parents—feels unstable.
Emotional Regulation Techniques: Practical DBT Strategies
Emotional regulation can seem overwhelming when faced with high-conflict situations or emotionally immature parents. However, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) provides several techniques that can be practiced to help you stay grounded and regain control of your emotions. Below are some key DBT strategies that you can incorporate into your daily life to improve your emotional resilience and navigate stressful interactions with more ease.
1. Mindfulness Practice: Staying Present in the Moment
Mindfulness is one of the core techniques in DBT, designed to help you stay grounded by bringing your attention fully into the present moment. When emotions are heightened, our minds tend to spiral into the past or worry about the future. Practicing mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings without getting overwhelmed or reacting impulsively.
How to Practice Mindfulness
•Take a moment to breathe. When you feel emotions rising, pause and take a deep breath. Focus on the sensation of the air filling your lungs and exiting your body.
•Ground yourself through your senses. Notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This exercise, often referred to as the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, helps bring your attention back to the present.
•Observe without judgment. Notice your feelings, but don’t label them as “good” or “bad.” Simply acknowledge their presence. For example, instead of saying, “I’m so angry, and it’s wrong,” say, “I’m feeling anger right now.”
By practicing mindfulness, you can create space between the emotion you’re feeling and your reaction to it, allowing you to choose a more thoughtful response (Chapman & Gratz, 2015).
2. The STOP Skill: Pausing Before You React
One of the most effective DBT skills for emotional regulation is the STOP skill. STOP stands for Stop, Take a step back, Observe, and Proceed mindfully. This tool helps you pause before reacting in situations where emotions are running high, preventing you from saying or doing something you might regret.
How to Use the STOP Skill
•Stop. When you notice yourself becoming emotionally overwhelmed, mentally tell yourself to “stop.” This simple internal command interrupts automatic emotional reactions.
•Take a step back. Physically or mentally step back from the situation. If you’re able to, leave the room or take a moment to breathe.
•Observe. Notice what’s happening both inside and outside of you. What emotions are you feeling? What thoughts are running through your mind? What are your parents or others around you doing? Try to observe without judgement.
•Proceed mindfully. After you’ve gained some distance from your emotional reaction, consider what you want to do next. Ask yourself, “What is the most effective way to respond?”
Using the STOP skill can help you regain control in emotionally charged moments and respond more effectively (Chapman & Gratz, 2015).
3. Opposite Action: Changing Your Response
When strong emotions like anger or fear arise, they often push us toward actions that might not serve us well—like yelling, avoiding a situation, or withdrawing. The DBT technique of Opposite Action helps you counteract these urges by doing the opposite of what your emotion is telling you to do.
How to Practice Opposite Action
•Identify the emotion. First, recognize what emotion you’re feeling. For example, “I’m feeling angry.”
•Consider what the emotion is pushing you to do. Ask yourself, “What is this emotion urging me to do?” In the case of anger, you might feel the urge to lash out or argue.
•Do the opposite. If anger is urging you to fight, the opposite action would be to stay calm, take a deep breath, and speak in a softer tone. If fear is telling you to avoid a conversation, the opposite action might be to approach it gently.
By acting opposite to your emotional urges, you can prevent escalating conflicts and make choices that align with your long-term goals (Chapman & Gratz, 2015).
4. Self-Soothing with the Five Senses: Calming Your Nervous System
In moments of intense emotional distress, self-soothing techniques can help calm your body and mind. DBT encourages using your five senses—sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell—to create a sense of safety and comfort.
How to Self-Soothe with Your Senses
•Sight: Look at something calming, like a photo of a beautiful place or a comforting object.
•Sound: Listen to calming music, nature sounds, or a favourite podcast.
•Touch: Hold a soft blanket, rub a textured surface, or place your hand on your heart for comfort.
•Taste: Sip on a warm cup of tea or taste something you enjoy, like a piece of dark chocolate.
•Smell: Light a candle, use a favourite essential oil, or breathe in fresh air.
These self-soothing practices help activate the body’s relaxation response, reducing the intensity of difficult emotions (Chapman & Gratz, 2015).
5. Radical Acceptance: Letting Go of What You Can’t Control
Sometimes, emotional distress comes from our resistance to reality. We get stuck wishing things were different, especially when it comes to family dynamics. Radical Acceptance is the practice of fully accepting reality as it is, without trying to change it.
How to Practice Radical Acceptance
•Acknowledge the facts. Recognize what is happening in the moment without trying to change or deny it.
•Remind yourself, “It is what it is.” This doesn’t mean you have to like or approve of what’s happening, but you accept that it’s the current reality.
•Release the need to control. Let go of the internal struggle of trying to control what others think, say, or do. Focus on what you can control—your own reactions and choices.
Radical Acceptance helps reduce the suffering caused by resisting reality, enabling you to respond to situations more peacefully (Chapman & Gratz, 2015).
By incorporating these DBT techniques into your daily routine, you can develop greater emotional regulation, allowing you to stay grounded even when conflicts arise with your parents. These strategies offer practical ways to pause, reflect, and choose healthier responses to emotional triggers.
Expressing Yourself: Navigating Difficult Conversations with Parents
The next essential step in resolving conflict with your parents is learning to communicate effectively. True communication goes beyond just speaking—it’s about ensuring you are heard and understanding what the other person is trying to say. As Simonian (2022) points out in The Essential Family Therapy Workbook, effective communication within families is grounded in mutual respect and empathy. By developing these skills, both you and your parents can begin to feel validated in your experiences, even when there are disagreements.
One of the most effective ways to express yourself without escalating conflict is by using “I” statements, which focus on your feelings rather than placing blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” which might put your parents on the defensive, try saying, “I feel unheard when I try to talk about my day.” This shift in language reduces the likelihood of your parents feeling attacked and opens the door for a more productive conversation (Simonian, 2022). “I” statements keep the focus on your experience and encourage a response that addresses your needs, rather than leading to arguments about who is right or wrong.
Equally important is the skill of active listening. Many conflicts arise or are exacerbated by misunderstandings that could have been avoided if both parties felt heard. When addressing conflict, it’s essential to listen to your parents’ perspectives without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Even if you strongly disagree with their point of view, acknowledging that they have been heard can significantly reduce tension. Sometimes, simply saying, “I hear that you’re frustrated about this situation,” can help de-escalate a heated conversation and show your willingness to engage respectfully, which often encourages the same from them.
For teens and young adults in the LGBTQIA+ community, communication can present unique challenges, particularly when their parents struggle to understand or accept their identity. In these situations, expressing your truth becomes an even more delicate balancing act. It’s important to be both firm and gentle, asserting your needs while maintaining compassion for your parents’ potential confusion or discomfort. When met with resistance, seek to create space for continued dialogue. If direct communication becomes too painful or ineffective, finding support outside the family—through friends, affirming communities, or even a therapist—can provide the validation and encouragement that may be lacking at home.
Effective communication is also about knowing when to step back and protect your emotional well-being. It’s okay to recognize when a conversation is going nowhere or when your parents are not in a place to listen. In these moments, assert your need for space by saying, “I think we need to pause this conversation and return to it later when we’re both feeling calmer.” This kind of boundary-setting not only protects your emotional state but also models healthy communication practices for your parents.
Lastly, remember that communication is a skill that takes time to develop. It’s a process of learning how to express your feelings, needs, and boundaries in a way that invites understanding rather than conflict. The more you practice, the more you’ll find that these conversations become easier to navigate.
Communication Techniques: Navigating Conflict with Clarity and Empathy
Let’s explore specific techniques for improving communication within families, focusing on strategies that can help both teens and parents navigate difficult conversations with greater understanding and respect. These approaches foster clarity, empathy, and open dialogue, and are especially helpful when emotions run high.
1. Use “I” Statements to Take Ownership of Your Feelings
One of the most effective techniques in family communication is using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This approach helps prevent blame and reduces defensiveness during conversations. When you use an “I” statement, you are focusing on your feelings and needs, rather than accusing the other person of wrongdoing.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard during our conversations.” This simple shift can soften the tone of the conversation and make it easier for the other person to engage with you without feeling attacked (Simonian, 2022).
2. Active Listening: Show That You Are Engaged
Active listening is about being fully present in the conversation and showing that you are genuinely trying to understand the other person’s perspective. This technique involves more than just hearing the words—they require focusing on the speaker, making eye contact, nodding, and offering verbal affirmations like “I understand” or “That makes sense.”
To practice active listening
•Paraphrase what you hear. After the other person finishes speaking, repeat what they said in your own words to ensure you’ve understood correctly. For instance, “So what I’m hearing is that you feel overwhelmed when there’s too much going on at home.”
•Ask open-ended questions. Encourage the other person to elaborate on their feelings by asking questions like, “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”
•Avoid interrupting. Let the speaker finish their thoughts before you respond. This allows the conversation to flow without feeling rushed or controlled.
3. Validation: Acknowledge the Other Person’s Perspective
Validation is a key communication skill that involves recognizing and affirming the other person’s feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective. Validating someone’s experience can help de-escalate tension and build trust in the conversation.
To practice validation
•Acknowledge emotions. Say something like, “I can see that you’re really upset about this,” or “It sounds like this has been really hard for you.”
•Avoid minimizing their experience. Don’t dismiss their feelings with statements like, “It’s not that big of a deal” or “You’re overreacting.” Even if you see things differently, acknowledging their emotional reality is crucial for maintaining a respectful dialogue.
4. Non-Verbal Communication: Pay Attention to Body Language
Non-verbal communication plays a significant role in how messages are received. Your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice can either reinforce or undermine what you’re saying.
To improve non-verbal communication
•Maintain eye contact. This shows that you are engaged and present in the conversation.
•Adopt an open posture. Crossing your arms or turning away can signal defensiveness, while an open, relaxed posture encourages openness.
•Be mindful of your tone. The way you say something is often just as important as the words themselves. Ensure your tone matches the message you want to convey—calm and measured, rather than sharp or dismissive.
5. Time-Out: Take a Break When Needed
Sometimes, a conversation becomes too heated for productive dialogue to continue. In these moments, it’s important to recognize when a time-out is necessary. Taking a break allows both parties to cool down, reflect, and return to the conversation with a clearer mind.
To use a time-out effectively
•Call for a pause respectfully. Say something like, “I think we’re both getting too upset right now. Can we take a break and talk again in an hour?”
•Set a clear time to return. Agree on when you will resume the conversation so that it doesn’t feel like an avoidance tactic.
6. Collaborative Problem-Solving: Work Together for Solutions
Good communication involves not just expressing your needs, but also collaborating to find mutually beneficial solutions. When a conflict arises, shift the focus from blaming or arguing to problem-solving.
To practice collaborative problem-solving
•Frame the issue as “our” problem. Instead of “This is your fault,” say, “How can we solve this together?”
•Brainstorm together. Ask your parent for their input and offer your own suggestions. Work together to find a compromise or solution that addresses both your needs.
•Be willing to negotiate. Effective problem-solving requires flexibility. Be open to making adjustments in your own expectations and ask the same of your parents.
7. Apologize When Necessary
Apologizing is one of the most powerful tools for repairing communication breakdowns. A sincere apology acknowledges the harm done and opens the door to healing.
A good apology includes
•Acknowledgement of the hurt caused. Say, “I realize that what I said hurt your feelings, and I’m really sorry.”
•Taking responsibility. Avoid justifying your actions or blaming the other person. Simply own your part in the conflict.
•Commitment to change. Let the other person know that you will try to avoid repeating the behaviour in the future.
By integrating these communication techniques into your interactions with your family, you can build more open, respectful, and productive conversations. Whether it’s through using “I” statements, practicing active listening, or working collaboratively to solve problems, each of these skills contributes to healthier and more effective communication.
Relationship Building: Strengthening Connections Amidst Conflict
Rebuilding a relationship after conflict is often the most challenging step, but it’s also the most rewarding. Conflict doesn’t have to be seen as purely destructive—in fact, it can serve as an opportunity for growth, understanding, and the strengthening of family bonds. As Ryle (2017) points out in All I Want is a Little Peace, conflict can be a powerful force for positive change when both parties are willing to seek common ground. By reframing conflict as a path toward greater understanding rather than a battle for victory, you can shift the focus from blame to connection (Ryle, 2017).
One of the key aspects of rebuilding relationships is recognizing that conflict is not the sum of your relationship with your parents. While disagreements can feel overwhelming, they don’t define the entirety of your connection. Rebuilding trust and rapport starts with small, intentional actions that create shared experiences beyond the scope of the conflict. For instance, finding moments to reconnect with your parents through everyday activities—like watching a movie, cooking a meal together, or going for a walk—can remind both you and them of the underlying bond that exists, separate from disagreements. These shared moments of connection create positive memories and foster goodwill, which can help de-escalate future conflicts and make navigating challenges easier.
In addition to shared activities, expressing appreciation and gratitude for your parents, even in small ways, can be transformative. Acknowledging something positive they’ve done, or simply saying, “I appreciate that you made time to talk about this,” can go a long way in softening the tension and opening the door to more meaningful communication. According to Whatling (2023), nurturing positive interactions—no matter how small—creates a foundation that can buffer the impact of future disagreements. It’s about reminding yourself and your parents that your relationship is bigger than the current conflict (Whatling, 2023).
For those in the LGBTQIA+ community, where family relationships may feel particularly strained due to identity struggles, it’s essential to seek support from outside sources. Building affirming relationships with friends, mentors, or community groups can provide the stability and validation that might be lacking at home. As Whatling (2023) notes in Dealing with Disputes and Conflict, having a supportive community can alleviate some of the emotional weight of strained family dynamics, giving you the strength and emotional resources to navigate your relationship with your parents in a healthier way. These external relationships act as a buffer, offering a safe space for self-expression and emotional support when family interactions feel too overwhelming.
It’s also important to recognize that rebuilding relationships is a process, not a one-time fix. It takes time, patience, and ongoing effort to strengthen connections amidst conflict. Both you and your parents may need time to heal from past misunderstandings and develop new patterns of communication that reflect mutual respect and empathy. While there may be setbacks along the way, keeping the long-term goal of a healthier, more connected relationship in mind can help you stay motivated during difficult times.
Finally, cultivating compassion for yourself and your parents is key to relationship rebuilding. It’s normal to feel frustrated, hurt, or misunderstood, but recognizing that both you and your parents are doing the best you can with the emotional tools you have is crucial. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour, but rather, it’s about understanding the limitations of where your parents are emotionally and using that understanding to guide your responses. Compassion allows for more patient and productive conversations, helping you build a relationship based on acceptance, not perfection.
In conclusion, relationship building during and after conflict is about finding common ground, creating shared experiences, and showing empathy, both to yourself and your parents. By approaching conflicts as opportunities for growth and connection, you can strengthen the bond with your parents in meaningful and lasting ways.
Conclusion: Reaching for Growth, Not Perfection
Conflict with parents during your teen and young adult years can indeed feel overwhelming, particularly when external pressures—like school, social relationships, and identity exploration—compound the emotional strain. It’s important to remember that navigating these challenges is a journey, not a destination. By focusing on emotional regulation, improving communication, and rebuilding relationships, you’re equipping yourself with tools that will not only help you manage conflict but also foster deeper, more meaningful connections with those around you.
The process of growth doesn’t require perfection. It’s not about resolving every conflict flawlessly or maintaining constant emotional equilibrium. Rather, it’s about making small, intentional steps toward understanding, empathy, and self-compassion. Each conversation that ends with a little more clarity, each moment where you choose to pause rather than react, is a victory in itself. These moments, while sometimes subtle, accumulate over time and pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Remember, growth is about resilience—learning how to navigate the complexities of family dynamics with grace and patience, even when the path feels uncertain. As you continue to apply the strategies outlined in this post, take pride in your progress, no matter how small it seems. With each step forward, you are building the emotional tools needed to create the connections you desire, both within your family and beyond.
Let’s continue the conversation. Whether you’re seeking individual therapy, peer consultations, or just someone to talk to, reach out. Together, we can navigate these challenges and find ways to strengthen your relationships, one step at a time.
References
Chapman, A. L., & Gratz, K. L. (2015). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook for anger. New Harbinger Publications.
Gibson, L. (2019). 10 signs you grew up with emotionally immature parents. WellDoing. https://welldoing.org/article/10-signs-you-grew-emotionally-immature-parents
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Ryle, J. L. (2017). All I want is a little peace: Resolving conflict by finding common ground. Linden Publishing.
Simonian, E. (2022). The essential family therapy workbook. Rockridge Press.
Whatling, T. (2023). Dealing with disputes and conflict: A self-help tool-kit for resolving arguments in everyday life. Routledge.
Disclaimer: This blog offers general educational information and does not constitute professional advice or establish a therapist-client relationship. Please consult a healthcare provider for personalized guidance. Any decisions based on the content are the reader’s responsibility, and Clayre Sessoms Psychotherapy assumes no liability. All case studies are hypothetical with fictional names and do not reflect actual people. We prioritize your privacy and the confidentiality of all of our clients. We are committed to maintaining a safe, supportive space for 2SLGBTQIA+ community care.