Book Review: Relationally Queer by Silva Neves and Dominic Davies

Introduction

As a therapist dedicated to providing compassionate and inclusive mental health support to Two Spirit, trans, nonbinary, and queer adults, I was eager to delve into Relationally Queer by Silva Neves and Dominic Davies. This book, part of the Pink Therapy series, is a groundbreaking exploration of gender, sex, and relationship diversity (GSRD), offering a much-needed perspective on relationships within the queer community. What drew me to this book initially was not only its relevance to the population I serve but also its roots in the Pink Therapy tradition—a tradition that has long championed a more inclusive, affirming approach to therapy for LGBTQ+ individuals.

The Pink Therapy series, with its origins dating back to the first British guide for counsellors and therapists working with lesbian, gay, and bisexual people (Davies, 1996), has consistently pushed the boundaries of traditional therapeutic practices. The original Pink Therapy book was revolutionary in its time, offering a model of gay affirmative therapy that challenged the prevailing pathologizing approaches of the 1990s. Since then, the series has expanded, and Relationally Queer continues this legacy by addressing the complexities of modern queer relationships in ways that are both innovative and deeply respectful of the lived experiences of GSRD individuals.

For me, as a therapist, the relevance of this book extends beyond its theoretical contributions; it speaks directly to the real-life challenges my clients face every day. Whether it’s navigating the stigma of non-monogamous relationships, coping with internalized shame, or finding ways to harmonize religious identities with queer selfhood, the issues discussed in Relationally Queer mirror the struggles I see in my practice. The book’s commitment to intersectionality and its refusal to accept one-size-fits-all solutions make it an invaluable resource not just for therapists but for anyone committed to understanding and supporting queer relationships in all their diversity.

This text is more than a theoretical exploration—it is a practical guide that offers tools, language, and frameworks that can be immediately applied in therapeutic settings. The contributors to this volume bring a wealth of experience and insight, making Relationally Queer not just a reflection of where queer therapy is today, but a beacon guiding where it should go in the future. For therapists like myself, who are deeply invested in creating safe, affirming spaces for queer clients, this book is an essential read that will undoubtedly inform and enhance our practice.

Overview of the Book

Relationally Queer is a comprehensive guide that boldly challenges the traditional, mononormative frameworks often imposed in relationship therapy—a crucial shift for those of us working to create more inclusive and affirming therapeutic spaces. The book is meticulously structured, with each chapter penned by a different contributor, all of whom bring a wealth of expertise and lived experience to the discussion. This multi-voiced approach ensures that the book is not just a theoretical exploration but a rich tapestry of insights that reflect the diverse realities of queer relationships.

The book covers a broad spectrum of topics, making it an invaluable resource for therapists and clients alike. For instance, the chapters on consensual non-monogamy, such as DK Green’s exploration of common presenting issues, provide essential guidance for therapists working with clients who navigate multiple relationships. These chapters challenge the deeply ingrained societal biases that often pathologize non-monogamous relationships, instead offering a nuanced understanding of how such relationships can be healthy, fulfilling, and deeply committed (Green, 2023).

Equally significant are the chapters that address the unique needs of bi+ clients. Dr. Susannah Grant’s contribution offers a thoughtful examination of the often-overlooked challenges faced by bisexual individuals in therapy, including the erasure and misunderstanding they frequently encounter, even within queer-friendly spaces. This chapter is particularly valuable as it highlights the importance of visibility and validation for bi+ clients, ensuring they feel seen and understood in the therapeutic process (Grant, 2023).

The book also delves into the complex intersections of religious identity and LGBTQ+ experiences, offering guidance on how to navigate these often challenging and conflicting areas in therapy. Saquib Ahmad’s chapter on the impact of religious background on LGBTQ+ clients is a standout, providing a compassionate and informed perspective on how to support clients who are grappling with religious trauma or seeking to reconcile their faith with their sexual or gender identities. Ahmad’s insights are crucial for any therapist working with clients from religiously conservative backgrounds, as they emphasize the need for cultural sensitivity and a deep understanding of the potential for harm when these issues are not handled with care (Ahmad, 2023).

In addition to these topics, Relationally Queer also shines a light on often marginalized groups within the queer community. Chapters on the experiences of sex workers, trans individuals, and those living with chronic health issues provide a comprehensive look at the diverse needs within the LGBTQ+ population. The inclusion of these voices ensures that the book does not fall into the trap of only addressing the more visible or mainstream aspects of queer life but instead offers a holistic view that acknowledges and affirms the full range of queer experiences.

The editors, Neves and Davies, have done an exceptional job of weaving these varied contributions into a cohesive narrative. The book’s structure allows each chapter to stand on its own as a valuable resource, while also contributing to the overall theme of expanding the therapeutic landscape to be more inclusive and affirming of GSRD clients. By centering the lived experiences of queer individuals—particularly those who are often erased or marginalized in both societal and therapeutic contexts—the book offers a vital corrective to the traditional approaches that have too often failed to meet the needs of this diverse community (Neves & Davies, 2023).

Foundational Ideas in Relationally Queer

One of the standout concepts in Relationally Queer is the critique of mononormativity, powerfully discussed in Dr. Y Gávriel Ansara’s chapter, “Getting Real about Monogamism.” Ansara expertly dismantles the deeply rooted biases that many therapists unknowingly harbour, particularly the assumption that monogamous relationships are inherently more stable, mature, or ‘natural’ than polyamorous ones. This bias, often unexamined, can lead to harmful therapeutic practices that invalidate or pathologize clients who engage in consensual non-monogamy. Ansara argues that monogamism—a belief system that privileges monogamous relationships over others—perpetuates a form of epistemic injustice, where the lived experiences of polyamorous individuals are dismissed or misunderstood due to a lack of appropriate language and frameworks in the therapeutic community (Ansara, 2023). This chapter challenges therapists to critically examine their own assumptions and to adopt more inclusive, non-judgmental approaches that honour the diverse ways people choose to structure their intimate lives.

Another significant topic explored in the book is the pervasive impact of shame on LGBTQ+ relationships. The authors delve into how societal discrimination and internalized stigma can infiltrate the most intimate aspects of queer relationships, often leading to conflict, disconnection, and a sense of unworthiness. This exploration is not just theoretical; the book offers practical strategies for therapists to help clients navigate and heal from these wounds. The authors advocate for a compassionate, shame-resilient approach that recognizes the unique challenges faced by LGBTQ+ individuals and empowers them to build healthier, more affirming relationships (Neves & Davies, 2023). This focus on resilience and self-compassion is particularly important in a therapeutic context, as it provides a pathway for clients to move beyond the limiting narratives imposed by a heteronormative society.

Ellis Morgan’s chapter, “The Trans Compass,” is particularly resonant for therapists working with trans clients. Morgan provides a nuanced and empathetic framework for understanding the complex relationships trans individuals have with their own identities and with others. The chapter emphasizes the importance of seeing beyond binary thinking and recognizing the diversity of trans experiences. Morgan introduces the concept of the ‘trans compass’ as a tool for navigating the often-turbulent waters of identity, societal expectations, and interpersonal relationships. This framework helps therapists better understand the unique pressures faced by trans clients, particularly the ways in which societal norms can shape and sometimes distort their sense of self (Morgan, 2023). By embracing this more expansive view of identity, therapists can offer more effective, affirming support to their trans clients.

These key concepts are not just isolated ideas within the book; they form a cohesive narrative that underscores the importance of inclusivity, intersectionality, and empathy in therapeutic practice. Whether it’s challenging mononormative biases, addressing the corrosive effects of shame, or navigating the complexities of trans identities, Relationally Queer equips therapists with the knowledge and tools necessary to provide truly inclusive care. This makes it an indispensable resource for any therapist committed to supporting the diverse needs of the LGBTQ+ community.

Why Relationally Queer Stands Out

Relationally Queer distinguishes itself from other texts in the field through its unwavering commitment to inclusivity and its bold challenge to the status quo of traditional relationship therapy. Unlike many relationship therapy books that cater predominantly to a heteronormative audience, this book is unapologetically queer in its focus. It transcends mere acknowledgment of diversity, actively promoting practices that affirm and celebrate the richness of queer relationships. This intentional focus on queer experiences and identities makes Relationally Queer not just a resource, but a necessary tool for any therapist seeking to offer truly inclusive care (Neves & Davies, 2023).

One of the book’s most significant strengths is its emphasis on intersectionality—a concept often overlooked in mainstream therapeutic literature. Joel Simpson’s chapter on African-centered therapy is a prime example of this focus. Simpson provides an essential perspective that is frequently missing from conventional therapy resources, particularly in discussions about the experiences of queer people of colour. His work powerfully underscores the necessity of culturally responsive therapy, especially when working with clients from marginalized communities who may face compounded forms of discrimination and trauma. By integrating African-centered approaches, Simpson invites therapists to expand their cultural competence and engage with clients in a way that honours their full identities (Simpson, 2023).

Moreover, the practical applications offered in Relationally Queer are both extensive and immediately implementable. The book doesn’t just theorize about inclusive practices; it provides concrete tools and strategies that therapists can directly apply in their work. For example, the discussion of narrative therapy techniques for working with interracial couples offers a valuable framework for therapists navigating the complex dynamics of race, culture, and identity within relationships. These techniques help to create space for clients to tell their own stories, fostering a deeper understanding and connection within the therapeutic relationship (Iantaffi, 2023).

Another critical area where the book excels is in its exploration of how chronic health issues intersect with queer identities. Dr. Alex Iantaffi’s chapter offers a detailed examination of the unique challenges faced by queer individuals living with chronic health conditions or disabilities. This focus on the intersection of health and identity is particularly important as it broadens the scope of traditional therapy, which often overlooks these complex, multifaceted experiences. Iantaffi’s insights provide therapists with the knowledge and sensitivity needed to support clients who are navigating these dual challenges, ensuring that therapy remains a supportive and affirming space for all aspects of a client’s identity (Iantaffi, 2023).

What truly sets Relationally Queer apart is its commitment to advancing the field of therapy by challenging outdated norms and offering new, more inclusive ways of thinking about relationships. The book encourages therapists to move beyond traditional frameworks that may not serve all clients, particularly those in the LGBTQ+ community. By providing both a theoretical foundation and practical tools, Relationally Queer empowers therapists to offer more effective, compassionate, and inclusive care, making it an indispensable resource for those dedicated to supporting diverse and marginalized populations.

Conclusion

Relationally Queer is an essential addition to the library of any therapist committed to providing inclusive, affirming care to LGBTQ+ clients. Its intersectional approach, combined with its challenge to normative biases in relationship therapy, makes it a unique and invaluable resource. This book not only equips therapists with the tools and knowledge necessary to support a diverse range of clients but also inspires a deeper commitment to cultural humility and ongoing learning. Whether you are a therapist looking to deepen your understanding of gender, sex, and relationship diversity (GSRD) or someone seeking to explore these topics for personal growth, Relationally Queer is a must-read.

The value of this book extends far beyond its content. It represents a much-needed shift in the field of relationship therapy—a shift that acknowledges the lived realities of LGBTQ+ individuals and embraces the complexity and richness of their experiences. The practical insights offered in Relationally Queer are not just theoretical musings; they are grounded in the real-world challenges and triumphs of queer individuals navigating their relationships. This makes the book an indispensable guide for therapists who are dedicated to fostering a therapeutic environment where all clients feel seen, heard, and respected.

In today’s world, where inclusivity and representation are more important than ever, it is crucial to support resources and voices that advocate for marginalized communities. I encourage you to borrow this book from your local library or purchase it from a queer-inclusive bookstore such as Cross and Crows Books in Vancouver or Glad Day Bookshop in Toronto. By supporting local, independent bookstores, you contribute to a more diverse and inclusive literary landscape—one that values and uplifts the stories and experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals.

If the themes of this book resonate with you, consider taking the next step by exploring therapy with a gender-affirming therapist. Working with a therapist who understands the unique challenges and strengths of the LGBTQ+ community can be a transformative experience. You can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Audrey Wolfe, RCC, who is dedicated to providing affirming care. Alternatively, if you’re interested in joining a waitlist to work with me, Clayre Sessoms, RP, RCT, RCC, RCAT, CCC, ATR-BC, I invite you to do so. Our practice is committed to creating a safe, supportive space where you can explore your identity, relationships, and personal growth.

For those interested in further resources, insights, and book reviews, I encourage you to bookmark our blog. We regularly share content that is designed to inform, inspire, and support both therapists and individuals on their journey toward a more inclusive and affirming understanding of mental health and relationships.

References

Ansara, Y. G. (2023). Getting real about monogamism: Disrupting mononormative bias in sex therapy and relationship counselling. In S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), Relationally queer: A Pink Therapy guide for practitioners (pp. 12-30). Routledge.

Davies, D. (1996). Pink therapy: A guide for counsellors and therapists working with lesbian, gay and bisexual clients. Open University Press.

Grant, S. (2023). Working with bi+ clients: Considerations for individual and relationship therapy. In S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), Relationally queer: A Pink Therapy guide for practitioners (pp. 116-130). Routledge.

Iantaffi, A. (2023). Chronic health issues, disability, and queer people. In S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), Relationally queer: A Pink Therapy guide for practitioners (pp. 220-240). Routledge.

Morgan, E. (2023). The trans compass: A way of hearing and understanding trans people’s relationships with their identities. In S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), Relationally queer: A Pink Therapy guide for practitioners (pp. 100-115). Routledge.

Neves, S., & Davies, D. (Eds.). (2023). Relationally queer: A Pink Therapy guide for practitioners. Routledge.

Simpson, J. (2023). Sankofa’s Quest: Cultivating Queer African-centred homecomings through intersectionality in therapy. In S. Neves & D. Davies (Eds.), Relationally queer: A Pink Therapy guide for practitioners (pp. 180-200). Routledge.