Book Review: The Gender Friend by Oakley Phoenix

Introduction

Oakley Phoenix’s The Gender Friend: A 102 Guide to Gender Identity is a refreshing and insightful addition to the growing body of literature on gender exploration and identity. This book, with its engaging mix of personal storytelling, practical exercises, and compassionate guidance, is an invaluable resource for therapists, clients, and allies alike. As a Registered Psychotherapist and a Board Certified Art Therapist specializing in working with Two Spirit, trans, nonbinary, and queer older teens and adults, I often look for resources that speak directly to the lived experiences of these communities. The Gender Friend does exactly that. It invites readers to explore their own gender journey while providing tools to support others along theirs, making it a fantastic addition to any therapy practice focused on inclusivity and gender affirmation.

Oakley Rae Phoenix, a Black transmasculine genderqueer organizer and author, brings a deeply intersectional perspective to his writing. His work as a Trans and Racial Justice Community Organizer/Trainer at Basic Rights Oregon reflects his commitment to dismantling systemic oppression and supporting marginalized communities. Having served as the first Black trans Student Body President at Willamette University and led various initiatives for equity and inclusion, Oakley draws on his extensive experience as both an advocate and a community leader. His approach to gender identity is grounded in anti-oppressive principles, making The Gender Friend particularly valuable for those engaged in or seeking gender-affirming, intersectional, and anti-oppressive therapeutic practices.

This book is more than a guide; it’s a companion for anyone navigating the complexities of gender, offering practical tools, reflective exercises, and heartfelt encouragement for embracing one’s authentic self. Oakley’s authentic voice and commitment to justice shine through every page, providing a crucial resource for therapists and clients who are ready to engage in deeper, more inclusive conversations about gender.

Overview of the Book

The Gender Friend is structured into a series of chapters that guide readers through various aspects of understanding, exploring, and affirming gender identity. Each chapter builds on the last, creating a comprehensive roadmap for readers at different stages of their gender journey. The book opens with a heartfelt foreword by Jackson Bird, a multi-disciplinary creator known for his work in demystifying the trans experience through writing, speaking, and digital content. Jackson’s YouTube channel, jackisnotabird, and his debut book, Sorted: Growing Up, Coming Out, and Finding My Place, have made significant contributions to increasing visibility and understanding of trans lives. His introduction to The Gender Friend sets the tone for a welcoming and inclusive exploration of gender, underscoring the importance of sharing diverse trans experiences.

The book progresses through chapters such as “Who Am I?”, which helps readers delve into self-reflection about their own identities; “What Words Should We Be Using?”, which provides a thoughtful glossary of inclusive and affirming language; and “How Do I Create My Gender Euphoria?”, a practical guide to finding joy and authenticity in one’s gender expression. These sections combine theoretical insights, personal reflections, and practical exercises, making the book both informative and highly interactive.

The chapters also include exercises designed to be reflective and actionable, inviting readers to write in the margins, engage with thought-provoking questions, and actively participate in their learning process. For example, exercises prompt readers to consider their own definitions of gender, reflect on their personal experiences, and explore how different aspects of their identity intersect. This interactive element is especially valuable for therapists and clients who want to use the book as a tool for deeper exploration and discussion in therapy sessions.

Oakley’s writing style is approachable and conversational, reminiscent of a friend walking alongside you on a journey. This tone makes complex topics accessible, offering readers a safe space to learn, unlearn, and reflect without judgment. The book is also notable for its inclusion of diverse perspectives, particularly those of Black and nonbinary individuals, offering a more nuanced understanding of gender that acknowledges the intersections of race, class, and other identities. Oakley provides insights into the unique challenges and joys faced by people with intersecting marginalized identities, grounding his guidance in anti-oppressive principles and a commitment to social justice. This inclusive approach ensures that The Gender Friend speaks to a broad audience, from those beginning to question their own gender to seasoned allies and mental health professionals.

In addition to its personal and reflective content, The Gender Friend includes practical advice on navigating social, medical, and legal aspects of gender transition, making it a comprehensive guide for those at any stage of their journey. Oakley seamlessly weaves in his lived experiences, providing authenticity and depth that resonate with readers who are seeking real-world applications of the concepts discussed.

By combining education, personal narrative, and practical exercises, The Gender Friend stands out as both a learning tool and a supportive companion for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of gender identity and inclusivity.

Core Themes and Takeaways

At its core, The Gender Friend focuses on the concept of a “gender journey,” recognizing that gender identity is not a fixed or linear experience but rather an evolving process shaped by personal reflection, social environments, and cultural contexts. Oakley Phoenix emphasizes that every person’s gender journey is unique and deserves respect, rejecting the idea of a one-size-fits-all narrative. This theme of fluidity and self-discovery is woven throughout the book, encouraging readers to embrace their authentic selves without fear of judgment or rigid expectations.

A standout theme in the book is “gender euphoria,” a term Oakley uses to describe the joy and affirmation that comes from being seen and respected for one’s true self. Unlike the more commonly discussed concept of “gender dysphoria,” which focuses on discomfort with one’s assigned gender, gender euphoria shifts the narrative towards positivity and self-celebration. Oakley provides practical suggestions for achieving this sense of euphoria, such as experimenting with different styles of clothing, trying out new pronouns, or finding and engaging with supportive communities. These exercises are designed to help readers find what feels most affirming to them, fostering a sense of joy in their gender expression.

Another key theme is the importance of “gender literacy”—the ability to understand, communicate, and respect diverse gender identities and experiences. Oakley encourages readers to move beyond binary norms and become more fluent in the language of gender inclusivity. This includes a thoughtfully curated glossary of terms that can help readers, particularly therapists and allies, navigate conversations about gender with greater confidence and sensitivity. The glossary is not only a resource but also an invitation to continue learning and evolving, recognizing that language and understanding around gender are always developing.

The book also explores themes of community and support. Oakley highlights the importance of finding affirming spaces and people who can offer genuine support on one’s gender journey. He underscores that these supportive networks are vital for both personal well-being and for fostering a more inclusive society. This theme is particularly valuable for therapists and mental health professionals, as it aligns with the principles of creating a safe, affirming environment for all clients, especially those from marginalized communities.

Additionally, The Gender Friend addresses the broader social, medical, and legal aspects of navigating gender identity. Oakley provides practical advice on these topics, offering insights into everything from the experience of legally changing one’s name to accessing gender-affirming healthcare. This pragmatic guidance is grounded in Oakley’s own lived experience, making it both relatable and highly informative.

Throughout the book, Oakley balances these core themes with personal stories that bring the theoretical into the realm of the practical and the relatable. He shares his own journey with humor, vulnerability, and honesty, creating a sense of camaraderie with the reader. This approach not only demystifies gender identity but also invites readers—whether they are exploring their own identities or supporting others—to reflect deeply on their own beliefs, biases, and opportunities for growth.

Ultimately, The Gender Friend serves as both a guide and a companion, offering not just knowledge but a sense of belonging and affirmation. The book’s blend of education, practical advice, and personal narrative makes it a valuable resource for anyone committed to fostering a more inclusive, gender-affirming world.

What Makes This Book Unique

The Gender Friend distinguishes itself from other books on gender identity through its deeply personal, interactive, and multifaceted approach. Rather than merely presenting theoretical knowledge or clinical data, Oakley Phoenix invites readers into a reflective and intimate journey, sharing their experiences of coming out, navigating complex family dynamics, and embracing their identity as a Black queer transmasculine nonbinary person. This openness and vulnerability create a sense of trust and camaraderie, allowing readers to feel seen and understood, no matter where they are on their gender journey. The book’s unique blend of memoir, self-help, and educational guide makes it an accessible, relatable, and enriching resource for readers from all walks of life.

One of the book’s defining features is its commitment to a practical, everyday approach to fostering “gender euphoria”—a refreshing and empowering alternative to the often-discussed “gender dysphoria.” While many resources focus on the challenges of gender nonconformity, The Gender Friend shifts the narrative toward self-affirmation and joy. Oakley provides actionable steps for readers to explore their identities, such as experimenting with different clothing, using new pronouns, or finding community spaces that feel affirming. This focus on daily practices and small, meaningful changes makes the book particularly effective for therapists, clients, and allies who are looking for tangible ways to support themselves and others.

Unlike other well-known books on gender identity, such as Trans Power by Juno Roche or The Book of Non-Binary Joy by Ben Pechey, which offer powerful insights and affirmations, The Gender Friend stands out in its emphasis on interactive learning. Oakley combines reflective exercises, journaling prompts, and practical advice, making the book a hands-on guide that encourages readers to actively engage with the content. This structure supports both individual introspection and community discussion, providing a versatile tool for therapy sessions, support groups, or personal growth. For therapists, this interactivity is invaluable, as it offers concrete exercises that can be easily integrated into therapeutic practice, helping clients to connect more deeply with their own gender journeys.

Furthermore, Oakley’s writing is approachable and infused with humor, warmth, and authenticity, making complex topics accessible to a wide range of readers. Their use of storytelling helps to break down barriers and foster understanding across different experiences of gender. For example, when Oakley discusses the intersections of race, gender, and class, they do so through the lens of their own life as a Black queer person. This perspective not only broadens the scope of the book but also emphasizes the importance of an intersectional approach to gender identity. Readers who may feel alienated by more academic or impersonal texts will find The Gender Friend to be a comforting and engaging alternative.

What also sets The Gender Friend apart is its adaptability to various audiences. While it is an excellent resource for therapists wanting to incorporate more gender-affirming practices into their work, it is equally valuable for individuals on their personal gender journeys or for allies seeking to deepen their understanding. Oakley’s guidance on navigating social, medical, and legal aspects of gender identity is informed by their own lived experience, adding a layer of real-world applicability that many readers will find both refreshing and practical.

In essence, The Gender Friend is more than just a book; it is an invitation to join a conversation, to explore one’s own identity with curiosity and compassion, and to build a more inclusive and affirming world. Oakley Phoenix’s commitment to anti-oppressive principles, combined with their unique narrative style, ensures that this book is not only informative but also transformative. It stands as a vital resource for anyone who wishes to foster a deeper, more nuanced understanding of gender, both within themselves and in their communities.

How This Book Can Inspire Change

The Gender Friend is more than a guide to understanding gender; it is a catalyst for personal and social change. Through its blend of personal storytelling, practical exercises, and reflective prompts, Oakley Phoenix invites readers to engage with their own identities and the world around them in a more open, inclusive, and compassionate way. The book’s unique approach encourages readers to think critically about the social norms and structures that shape our understanding of gender and to consider how they can contribute to a more inclusive and affirming society.

One of the most powerful aspects of The Gender Friend is its ability to inspire readers to embrace their own authenticity. Oakley’s honest reflections on their gender journey—complete with moments of joy, struggle, and self-discovery—serve as a reminder that each person’s path is valid and worthy of celebration. This message can resonate deeply with anyone who has felt marginalized or misunderstood, offering a sense of solidarity and empowerment. Readers are encouraged to take small, meaningful steps toward self-acceptance, whether that means trying on new pronouns, exploring different styles of expression, or seeking out supportive communities that affirm their experiences.

The book also challenges readers to examine their own biases and assumptions about gender, inviting them to unlearn harmful stereotypes and engage in more inclusive, respectful dialogues. By providing tools for self-reflection and practical advice for becoming better allies, The Gender Friend is particularly impactful for those who want to support their friends, family members, or clients more effectively. Oakley’s discussions on “passing,” privilege, and the need for genuine allyship push readers to go beyond surface-level support and take concrete actions to create safer and more inclusive spaces for all gender identities.

For those in helping professions, such as therapists, educators, or social workers, The Gender Friend serves as a resource to inspire more inclusive practices. The book’s exercises and reflective questions can be adapted for group settings, workshops, or one-on-one sessions, creating opportunities for meaningful discussion and growth. By encouraging a shift from a deficit-based model that focuses on challenges like “gender dysphoria” to one that celebrates “gender euphoria,” Oakley provides a transformative framework that can help both clients and practitioners build more affirming and empowering therapeutic relationships.

In addition, Oakley’s emphasis on intersectionality ensures that the book speaks to a wide audience, reminding readers that gender identity cannot be separated from other aspects of identity such as race, class, and ability. This perspective challenges readers to think about how they can be more inclusive in their activism and advocacy, fostering a deeper understanding of the interconnected struggles and strengths of marginalized communities.

Ultimately, The Gender Friend is a call to action. It asks readers not just to learn about gender but to actively participate in creating a world where everyone is free to express their true selves without fear of judgment or harm. Whether you are on your own gender journey, supporting a loved one, or working within a community, Oakley’s insights offer inspiration and practical guidance for making meaningful, lasting change.

Conclusion

The Gender Friend by Oakley Phoenix is an essential addition to the library of anyone interested in fostering a more inclusive, gender-affirming world—whether you are a therapist, a client, or someone looking to deepen your understanding of gender. Oakley’s compassionate, inclusive, and highly engaging style makes complex topics accessible while offering practical strategies that readers can implement immediately. This book is a powerful invitation to embrace one’s authentic self and to support others in doing the same, serving as a reminder that every gender journey is unique, valuable, and deserving of respect.

For those interested in exploring these themes further, I highly encourage you to borrow the book from your local library or purchase it from a local bookshop. While we are not affiliated with these bookstores, we believe in supporting local, queer-inclusive businesses across Canada. By purchasing from independent shops like Vancouver’s Cross and Crows Books, Toronto’s Glad Day Bookshop, or Halifax’s Venus Envy, you are not only supporting community-focused businesses but also helping to cultivate a more diverse and inclusive literary landscape.

If the transformative themes of The Gender Friend resonate with you, consider working with a gender-affirming therapist who understands the importance of anti-oppressive, intersectional practices. You can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with trans and queer therapist Audrey Wolfe, RCC (she/they) Audrey’s Booking Link, or join the waitlist to work with me, Clayre Sessoms, RP, RCT, RCC, RCAT, CCC, ATR-BC (she/they) Clayre’s Waitlist Signup.

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References

Bird, J. (2020). Sorted: Growing up, coming out, and finding my place. S&S/Simon Element.

Phoenix, O. (2023). The gender friend: A 102 guide to gender identity. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.