Holding Space for Yourself: Thriving Solo During the Holiday Hullaballoo

Introduction: Reimagining the Holidays Without Family

With the recent death of my father, the holidays feel profoundly different this year. This personal loss brings into focus the reality for many of us who do not have extended families or chosen families close by during this season. It can feel isolating, like standing at the edge of a cold, empty expanse. But what I’ve learned through my journey is that there are ways to navigate these feelings, to find light in what might initially seem like unrelenting darkness.

For trans+ and queer individuals, the holidays often amplify existing challenges—loneliness, societal rejection, and the weight of traditions centred on nuclear families. These feelings are compounded by systemic marginalisation, which makes finding safe, supportive spaces even harder. For those exploring their neurotype, such as the ADHD experience, these challenges can be heightened by sensory overwhelm, emotional intensity, or difficulty establishing routines (Downs, 2012; Buetow, 2022).

In this blog, I aim to offer not just survival strategies but pathways to moments of peace, meaning, and even joy. Together, we’ll delve into the complexities of loneliness, the potential beauty of solitude, and actionable ways to shape this season into something uniquely affirming.

Understanding Loneliness Through a Trans+ and Queer Lens

The Complex Layers of Loneliness for LGBTQ+ Individuals

Loneliness is more than a feeling of being alone—it is often deeply rooted in societal exclusion and the absence of understanding. For LGBTQ+ individuals, the experience of loneliness is uniquely shaped by systemic oppression, the challenges of finding community, and a lack of widespread cultural acceptance. While societal progress has brought visibility and legal rights, these advancements have not erased the everyday microaggressions, discrimination, and family estrangement that so many still endure (Elmer, 2022).

Consider the story of Angela, shared by the Marmalade Trust, who poignantly described how her identity made her feel lonely even among friends: “Even in a crowded party, my identity made me feel lonely, not the lack of people around me” (Marmalade Trust, 2024). Angela’s story highlights a loneliness that transcends physical isolation, speaking instead to the alienation that arises when others cannot fully see or validate your lived experience.

For those exploring an ADHD neurotype alongside their queer or trans identity, this disconnection can be compounded by overlapping stigmas. The ADHD experience often involves heightened emotional intensity and sensitivity to rejection, creating additional layers of vulnerability (Buetow, 2022). Recognizing these intertwined challenges is essential to supporting holistic mental health for trans+ and queer individuals.

Generational and Intersectional Realities

Loneliness among LGBTQ+ individuals is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Older trans+ and queer adults often face compounded challenges, navigating both the historical legacy of stigma and ageism. As Erosheva et al. (2016) reveal, older LGBTQ+ adults are twice as likely to live alone and three to four times less likely to have children than their heterosexual counterparts. This lack of traditional family structures often leaves them vulnerable to social isolation, particularly during the holidays when familial gatherings dominate the cultural narrative.

Conversely, younger generations grapple with the pressures of self-definition in an era of hypervisibility. Social media provides connection but can also amplify feelings of inadequacy or exclusion, as individuals compare themselves to curated representations of “ideal” queer or trans lives. The result is often a dichotomy of hyper-connectivity and profound loneliness (Marmalade Trust, 2024).

Intersectionality further deepens these experiences. Racialized LGBTQ+ individuals, those living with disabilities, or those navigating economic hardship face unique barriers to accessing safe, affirming communities. For example, Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues captures the ways marginalisation can isolate individuals, while also illustrating the resilience found in small, meaningful connections (Feinberg, 1993). Understanding these nuanced realities allows us to tailor support to the diverse needs within our community.

The Protective Power of Community

While loneliness is pervasive, community involvement offers a powerful antidote. Studies indicate that LGBTQ+ individuals with strong community ties report lower levels of self-stigma, concealment, and loneliness (Elmer, 2022). However, the key lies in cultivating supportive spaces that honour intersectional identities and foster genuine connection.

For those without immediate access to physical community spaces, online groups and virtual meetups can provide critical lifelines. As Stephen Buetow (2022) suggests, even limited connections can foster self-connection and remind us of the shared humanity that underpins all relationships. By intentionally seeking out affirming spaces, we can counteract the effects of marginalisation and reclaim moments of joy and belonging.

Reclaiming Solitude as a Source of Strength

From Loneliness to Solitude: A Transformative Shift

Loneliness, while deeply uncomfortable, holds the potential to be reframed into something powerful: solitude. Stephen Buetow (2022) emphasizes that solitude is not an absence of connection but an opportunity for profound self-connection. By stepping away from the constant need for external validation, solitude becomes a space to explore inner contentment and self-discovery.

For trans+ and queer individuals, this shift can feel especially radical. In a world that often seeks to marginalise and erase their identities, solitude offers a chance to centre their experiences and reclaim a sense of agency. Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues beautifully illustrates this transformation through the character of Jess Goldberg, who finds moments of clarity and strength in the quiet acts of self-expression that punctuate her turbulent journey (Feinberg, 1993). These small acts—a carefully knotted tie, the quiet rebellion of a gender-affirming haircut—serve as reminders that even in isolation, self-affirmation is a powerful act of resistance.

The Intersection of Solitude and Neurodivergence

For individuals exploring the ADHD neurotype, solitude offers unique challenges and opportunities. While the ADHD brain often craves stimulation and connection, it can also benefit from moments of intentional stillness. Quiet reflection allows space for clarity and creative problem-solving, qualities that can be nurturing and restorative. However, creating these moments often requires intentional boundaries to avoid overstimulation from external environments (Buetow, 2022).

In solitude, those with ADHD may also find a deeper understanding of their emotional landscapes. As Alan Downs (2012) suggests in The Velvet Rage, the practice of self-compassion is critical for overcoming shame and internalised expectations. By recognising and embracing the emotional intensity that often accompanies both ADHD and queer identities, solitude becomes a practice of healing and self-reclamation.

Self-Compassion as a Path to Authenticity

Solitude is most empowering when accompanied by self-compassion. This form of self-love is not indulgent but essential, acting as the foundation for authenticity and self-worth. In The Velvet Rage, Downs (2012) argues that many LGBTQ+ individuals internalise shame from societal rejection, often attempting to overcompensate through perfectionism or external achievements. Solitude, paired with self-compassion, interrupts this cycle by creating space to accept oneself without judgment.

This practice of self-compassion involves redefining success and worthiness on one’s own terms. For trans+ individuals, this might mean celebrating small victories in their gender affirmation journey or finding joy in creative expression. As Buetow (2022) notes, solitude encourages a reconnection with values and passions that bring meaning, countering the isolation that loneliness often imposes.

Solitude as a Radical Act of Self-Love

Reclaiming solitude as a source of strength is particularly powerful for those whose identities have been stigmatised. In solitude, there is an opportunity to listen to one’s inner voice and let it guide the path forward. Drawing from Angela’s experience shared by the Marmalade Trust (2024), even in moments of physical isolation, cultivating an environment that reflects one’s values and identity can feel deeply affirming.

As Stone Butch Blues reminds us, the journey from loneliness to solitude is not linear or easy, but it holds the potential for profound growth and resilience. Solitude becomes a canvas for reimagining one’s life, a quiet space to nurture hope and strength amid the noise of societal expectations.

Moving Forward with Solitude

To truly benefit from solitude, it’s essential to integrate practices that foster self-reflection and self-care. Journaling, mindful walks, or creating art can transform moments of aloneness into powerful acts of self-nurturing. For those exploring neurodivergence, such practices can also help build routines that honour both rest and creativity.

Ultimately, solitude is not about withdrawing from the world but about returning to oneself. It is a space for trans+ and queer individuals to reclaim their narratives, to affirm their identities, and to build a life that feels true to who they are.

Practical Strategies for Navigating the Holidays

1. Create Personal Rituals That Centre Your Needs

Holidays can be reimagined as opportunities for personal care and grounding. By creating rituals that align with your values and interests, you can reclaim the season on your terms. For instance, preparing a meal that holds personal or cultural significance can be both nurturing and celebratory. Lighting a candle for self-reflection, journaling, or engaging in art-making can provide an outlet for processing emotions and fostering a sense of purpose.

Stephen Buetow (2022) suggests that acts of solitude, such as mindfulness or creative expression, can help transform loneliness into moments of self-connection. For individuals exploring the ADHD neurotype, these rituals can also provide structure and serve as touchpoints to anchor your day amidst sensory or emotional overwhelm.

2. Build Micro-Connections in Digital Spaces

Connection doesn’t always require physical proximity. In today’s digital age, LGBTQ+ individuals can find community in virtual gatherings or online support groups. Platforms like SAGEConnect and initiatives from local LGBTQ+ organizations often host inclusive events during the holidays, creating safe spaces to share experiences and build relationships.

For trans+ and queer individuals navigating the ADHD neurotype, these spaces can also be tailored to your needs—offering options to connect at your own pace and comfort level. Alan Downs (2012) highlights the importance of affirming connections that validate your identity and experiences, which can significantly mitigate feelings of isolation during this season.

3. Volunteer Your Time to Create Meaning

Acts of giving can be a profound antidote to loneliness. Volunteering during the holidays allows you to connect with others while contributing to causes you care about. Many organizations, including food banks, shelters, and LGBTQ+ advocacy groups, welcome support during this time of year.

Angela’s story, as shared by the Marmalade Trust (2024), reminds us of the value of finding purpose in community involvement. Volunteering not only fosters connection but also reinforces the shared humanity that underpins the season, offering a sense of fulfilment that transcends traditional holiday norms.

4. Seek Professional Support Tailored to Your Needs

The holidays can amplify complex emotions, and seeking professional support can provide invaluable tools for navigating them. A therapist, particularly one experienced in gender-affirming care, can help you unpack the emotional weight of the season and offer strategies for self-compassion and resilience.

As Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues illustrates, finding spaces where your identity is not only accepted but celebrated is critical to mental well-being (Feinberg, 1993). For trans+ and queer individuals, therapy can also provide a structured environment to explore the intersection of identity, mental health, and societal pressures.

5. Embrace Media Representation That Reflects Your Journey

Representation matters, especially during times when you may feel unseen or disconnected. Queer films, literature, and art that authentically portray trans+ and queer experiences can provide comfort, validation, and a sense of belonging. Engaging with these stories reminds us that our struggles are shared, and our identities are worth celebrating.

Works like Stone Butch Blues (Feinberg, 1993) and The Velvet Rage (Downs, 2012) delve into themes of self-discovery, healing, and self-love. These narratives offer a mirror to the complexities of trans+ and queer experiences, honouring the resilience required to navigate a world that often demands conformity. By immersing yourself in such media, you can cultivate moments of joy, understanding, and affirmation during a season that can otherwise feel isolating.

Conclusion

The holidays can be a challenging time for trans+ and queer individuals without supportive families or chosen communities. The societal focus on family traditions and connection can heighten feelings of isolation and longing, but it also provides an opportunity to redefine what this season means to you.

By reframing loneliness as a doorway to self-discovery and embracing the power of solitude, you can create space for healing and renewal. Pairing this with practical strategies—such as cultivating personal rituals, seeking community connections, and engaging with affirming media—helps to anchor you in moments of meaning and joy, even during difficult times.

Your experience is valid, and every step you take toward self-care is an act of courage and love. Whether you are reclaiming solitude, reaching out to others, or simply allowing yourself to rest, know that you are writing your own story—one that honours your identity and your journey.

You are not alone. There is a vast, interconnected community of trans+ and queer individuals who share in your struggles and triumphs. This season, let’s hold space for one another, and for ourselves, with the kindness and care we all deserve.

Continue the Convo

If the ideas in this blog resonate with you, I warmly invite you to connect with us. Whether you’re a therapist seeking guidance on supporting clients through loneliness or someone navigating the complexities of being alone during the holidays, we’re here to help. Bookmark this blog for future insights, reflections, and updates.

References

Buetow, S. (2022). From loneliness to solitude in person-centred health care. Routledge.

Downs, A. (2012). The velvet rage: Overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man’s world. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

Elmer, E. (2022). Marginalization and loneliness among sexual minorities: How are they linked? The Campaign to End Loneliness. Retrieved from https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org.

Erosheva, E. A., Kim, H., Emlet, C., & Fredriksen-Goldsen, K. (2016). Social networks of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender older adults. Research on Aging, 38(1), 98–123.

Feinberg, L. (1993). Stone butch blues. Firebrand Books.

Marmalade Trust. (2024). Loneliness and being LGBTQ+. Retrieved from https://www.lonelinessawarenessweek.org.