Book Review: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

Introduction

For those curious about therapy, attachment theory, and the complexities of consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy” by Jessica Fern is a revolutionary read. As a psychotherapist and expert in nonmonogamous relationships, Fern provides a detailed exploration of how attachment theory—traditionally applied to monogamous relationships—can be adapted for polyamorous and other nonmonogamous dynamics. This book is an invaluable resource for therapists, individuals in nonmonogamous relationships, or anyone looking to deepen their understanding of attachment and relational health. Given its relevance to diverse relationship styles and its grounding in trauma-informed practice, “Polysecure” is particularly useful for Canadian readers interested in inclusive, affirming therapeutic approaches.

Overview of the Book

“Polysecure” is structured into three parts, each offering a blend of theory, personal reflection, and practical application:

•Part One: Attachment Theory and Trauma

The first part of the book provides an accessible overview of attachment theory. Fern explains the four primary attachment styles—secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized—and discusses how these attachment patterns are formed based on childhood experiences and how they manifest in adult relationships (Fern, 2020, pp. 13-25). This section also introduces the Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma, which Fern developed to illustrate how attachment and trauma intersect across individual, relational, and societal dimensions (Fern, 2020, pp. 27-30).

•Part Two: Consensual Nonmonogamy and Attachment

In the second part, Fern addresses consensual nonmonogamy, a relationship structure in which individuals maintain multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent of all involved. She critiques the mononormativity that dominates traditional attachment theory and offers insights from her practice on how attachment styles interact within nonmonogamous frameworks (Fern, 2020, pp. 42-56). Fern emphasizes that the need for secure attachment is not exclusive to monogamous relationships and provides a more inclusive perspective for CNM individuals seeking secure connections.

•Part Three: Practical Approaches to Building Secure Attachments in Polyamory

The final part of “Polysecure” focuses on practical strategies for cultivating secure attachment in nonmonogamous relationships. Fern introduces the HEARTS model—a practical guide that outlines six steps to enhance attachment security in polyamorous and other CNM relationships (Fern, 2020, pp. 69-82). The book also discusses the importance of secure attachment with oneself as a foundation for building healthy relationships with others.

Key Concepts Covered in the Book

Fern’s “Polysecure” covers several key concepts that are crucial for both therapists and clients interested in the interplay of attachment theory, trauma, and nonmonogamous relationships:

•Attachment Theory in Nonmonogamous Contexts

Fern effectively adapts attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby (1969) for understanding child-parent relationships, to adult nonmonogamous relationships. By doing so, she offers an alternative to the mononormative assumptions prevalent in much of the existing literature. Fern explains how each attachment style—secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized—can manifest in CNM relationships, providing a framework for understanding these dynamics beyond traditional monogamous contexts (Fern, 2020, pp. 33-39).

•The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma

This model is a notable contribution to trauma-informed practice. Fern illustrates how attachment disruptions and trauma responses are shaped not just by personal history but also by relational and societal factors. This multi-layered approach is particularly relevant in Canadian contexts, where a diverse range of cultural, social, and relational factors influence mental health and attachment behaviours (Fern, 2020, pp. 27-30).

•HEARTS Model for Secure Attachment

The HEARTS model is a practical tool that therapists and clients alike can use to foster secure attachments within polyamorous relationships. This acronym stands for six specific practices: Honesty, Emotional Regulation, Attachment Agreements, Reassurance, Turning Toward, and Secure Base (Fern, 2020, pp. 69-82). Fern provides exercises and reflection prompts that can help clients implement these practices in their relationships.

Why This Book Stands Out

“Polysecure” stands out in the literature on relationships and attachment for several reasons:

1. Inclusive and Affirming Approach: Fern uses inclusive language that respects diverse relationship structures, making the book accessible to a wide range of readers. This approach aligns well with the values of Canadian therapy practices, particularly those committed to inclusivity and diversity.

2. Bridging Theory and Practice: Fern excels at translating complex psychological theories into practical strategies that readers can apply to their own lives or use in therapy settings. This makes the book an excellent resource for therapists working with clients in nonmonogamous relationships or those exploring attachment-based interventions.

3. Trauma-Informed Perspective: The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma is a groundbreaking addition to the field, offering a comprehensive understanding of how trauma affects attachment at multiple levels. For Canadian readers and therapists, this perspective is invaluable, especially when considering the impacts of systemic oppression and marginalization on mental health.

Conclusion

“Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy” by Jessica Fern is a must-read for therapists, individuals in nonmonogamous relationships, and anyone interested in the intersections of attachment, trauma, and relational health. Fern provides a compassionate, insightful, and practical guide that challenges the traditional monogamous lens of attachment theory and opens up new possibilities for secure connections in diverse relationships.

For those looking to dive deeper into these concepts, we encourage you to borrow “Polysecure” from your local library. You can find a comprehensive list of BC libraries here. If you’re in East Vancouver, consider supporting local bookshops like Cross and Crows Books or Little Sisters. Toronto readers can find the book at Glad Day Bookshop.

Work With Us

If this book resonates with you and you would like to explore these themes further, consider working with us. You can schedule a free 15-minute consult with Audrey Wolfe, RCC here, or join the waitlist to work with Clayre Sessoms, RP, RCT, RCC, RCAT, CCC, ATR-BC, here.

Reference

Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, trauma, and consensual nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press LLC.