How John Bowlby’s Personal Journey Shaped Attachment Theory: Insights for Gender-affirming Attachment-based Psychotherapy

Queer couple looking towards the sun

Introduction: The Personal Journey Behind Attachment Theory

John Bowlby’s groundbreaking work on Attachment Theory has become a cornerstone in the understanding of human relationships and development. But behind the clinical research and theoretical frameworks lies a personal story that shaped much of his work—one of separation, loss, and the deep need for connection. Bowlby’s theories were not developed in isolation; they were intricately woven with the threads of his own life experiences, relationships, and personal struggles.

Bowlby’s own early life experiences of separation from his mother and caregivers due to the norms of British upper-class society deeply influenced his understanding of attachment. As a child, Bowlby was cared for largely by nannies and sent away to boarding school at a young age, experiences that he later reflected on as foundational to his interest in the profound impact of early emotional bonds (Holmes, 2014). These early experiences left him with a lasting awareness of how emotional distance and separation can affect a child’s sense of security and well-being (Karen, 1994).

As someone who works closely with trans*, nonbinary, and queer individuals, I often reflect on how our lived experiences—especially those marked by marginalization and identity exploration—shape the ways we connect with ourselves and others. Bowlby’s Attachment Theory, rooted in the idea of a secure base and the human need for emotional bonds, resonates deeply within the therapeutic space, particularly when working with clients who have experienced ruptures in attachment due to societal rejection or family dynamics. For many, these experiences echo Bowlby’s own early encounters with emotional distance, separation, and a longing for connection (Holmes, 2014).

In a therapeutic context, particularly one that centres gender affirmation, Bowlby’s insights can be transformative. By examining how his personal history influenced his professional development, we can gain a deeper understanding of how early attachments—or the lack thereof—affect our clients’ emotional landscapes. This exploration is especially pertinent for trans* and queer individuals, many of whom have faced rejection, isolation, or invisibility in their formative years. As we delve into Bowlby’s life and work, this blog will connect these themes to the experiences of clients navigating the complexities of identity and belonging, illustrating how we, as therapists, can provide a secure base in their journey toward self-acceptance and healing.

This post explores the intersection of Bowlby’s personal journey and his professional contributions, offering reflections on how these concepts can be practically applied in gender-affirming therapy. Together, we’ll examine the profound connections between identity, attachment, and belonging, and how Bowlby’s life can inspire new ways to foster secure, affirming relationships in the therapeutic space.

Bowlby’s Early Life: The Roots of Separation and Emotional Distance

John Bowlby’s early life was steeped in emotional distance, a hallmark of upper-middle-class British families during the early 20th century. His upbringing, characterized by long separations from his primary caregivers, set the stage for his lifelong focus on attachment and the emotional bonds between children and their caregivers. Born into a family where the presence of nannies and governesses replaced the intimacy of parental care, Bowlby’s early experiences reflected the societal norms of the time, where emotional availability from parents—especially mothers—was often limited (Holmes, 2014).

This emotional distance deepened when Bowlby was sent to boarding school at the age of seven, a common practice among families of his class. The experience of boarding school often brought about profound feelings of abandonment, as many children were separated from their families for long periods with little emotional support. For Bowlby, this forced separation from his home and caregivers entrenched a sense of disconnection that stayed with him, shaping his understanding of the profound impact that emotional absence can have on a child’s development (Karen, 1994; Holmes, 2014). In later life, these personal experiences became the foundation for Bowlby’s professional interest in the devastating effects of maternal separation and the critical need for a secure base during childhood.

In my work with trans*, nonbinary, and queer clients, I often see echoes of Bowlby’s early experiences in the lives of those who have faced rejection or emotional distancing from their families. Many clients come to therapy carrying the weight of familial disconnection—whether due to their gender identity, sexual orientation, or a simple failure to fit into societal norms. The pain of not being fully seen or understood, especially by one’s family, can leave emotional scars that parallel the attachment wounds Bowlby experienced in his own childhood. As Bowlby’s work suggests, these early ruptures in connection can have long-lasting effects on our ability to form secure, trusting relationships later in life (Bowlby, 1988).

For clients who are navigating the complexities of gender identity, this sense of disconnection is often exacerbated by societal expectations and familial rejection. In gender-affirming therapy, it’s crucial to acknowledge the profound impact that early separation—whether physical or emotional—can have on an individual’s sense of self-worth and belonging. Bowlby’s insights remind us that healing begins with recognizing these ruptures and offering a secure, affirming space where clients can rebuild their sense of connection, both with themselves and with others.

By exploring these themes in therapy, we can help clients understand how their early experiences of separation may be influencing their current relationships and sense of security. For trans* and queer individuals, the journey toward self-acceptance often involves healing from the wounds of rejection and reclaiming the right to be seen and loved as they are. As therapists, we have the opportunity to provide that secure base, offering a consistent, affirming presence that helps our clients feel safe enough to explore their identities and heal from past emotional wounds.

Evolution of Attachment Theory: Where the Personal Meets the Professional

John Bowlby’s journey toward developing Attachment Theory was as much a personal quest as it was a professional one. His dissatisfaction with traditional psychoanalytic approaches grew from his understanding that children’s real-life experiences, especially their emotional needs, were often neglected. Bowlby was particularly critical of psychoanalysis for its preoccupation with intrapsychic conflicts at the expense of recognizing how external events—such as trauma and separation from caregivers—profoundly impacted a child’s development (Holmes, 2014, p. 35). This belief, shaped by his own personal experiences of emotional distance, laid the groundwork for his theory of attachment.

Bowlby’s work with children labeled as “juvenile delinquents” revealed the role of early emotional loss in shaping their behaviours. His observations demonstrated that many of these children shared disrupted attachment patterns, which Bowlby theorized were central to their struggles (Prior & Glaser, 2006, p. 45). His theory soon expanded to highlight the critical role of a secure attachment figure who could provide emotional stability—a “secure base” from which the child could explore the world (Bowlby, 1988). Yet, while Bowlby’s contributions to understanding attachment have been significant, queer attachment studies, as well as decolonizing perspectives, push us to consider how his theory can be expanded to accommodate the nuanced experiences of marginalized individuals, including those from the LGBTQ2S+ community.

Queer Attachment and Identity Formation

The intersection of Bowlby’s work with queer attachment theory highlights important insights into how attachment dynamics play out in the lives of LGBTQ2S+ individuals. In “Queer Attachments,” Sally Munt emphasizes the unique role of shame in queer identity formation and how attachment becomes a mechanism for both social inclusion and exclusion (Munt, 2007). Munt critiques the heteronormative foundations of traditional attachment theory, arguing that queer attachments must be understood through the lens of societal rejection and shame. For many queer individuals, early attachment figures—parents or caregivers—may have been sources of rejection or misunderstanding due to their non-conforming identities. This often leaves LGBTQ2S+ individuals grappling with disorganized or insecure attachment styles well into adulthood, affecting their ability to form stable, trusting relationships.

By integrating queer theory into attachment studies, we can see how LGBTQ2S+ clients may experience attachments in complex ways. For example, a trans client who experienced rejection from their family of origin may struggle to form secure relationships in adulthood, fearing vulnerability will lead to further rejection. In these cases, the therapist plays a critical role as a secure attachment figure—helping the client rebuild their capacity for trust and intimacy. This framework recognizes that queer attachments are not simply about repairing early childhood wounds but are also about resisting societal norms that perpetuate stigma and shame  .

Decolonizing Attachment Theory

Decolonizing perspectives on attachment challenge the Western-centric framework on which Bowlby’s theory was built. His work, grounded in early 20th-century British society, reflected the norms and values of a predominantly white, middle-class, and patriarchal culture. Decolonizing attachment theory invites us to question how the processes of colonization, systemic racism, and other forms of structural violence disrupt secure attachments, particularly for Indigenous, Black, and other marginalized communities.

Decolonizing attachment requires us to reconsider what constitutes a “secure base.” For many marginalized individuals, especially those impacted by colonialism, the secure base may not come from the family unit at all but from extended kin networks, communities, or cultural practices. These networks, often overlooked by traditional attachment theory, serve as vital sources of emotional and spiritual support. For example, Indigenous approaches to attachment emphasize the importance of land, ancestry, and community as secure bases for identity formation and emotional well-being  .

As therapists, it is crucial to recognize that attachment ruptures in marginalized clients may not simply stem from familial rejection but also from systemic factors like racism, transphobia, and colonial violence. By integrating decolonizing frameworks, we expand Bowlby’s original theory to address how societal oppression can fracture secure attachments. Through this lens, attachment healing is not just about repairing personal relationships but also about addressing the broader socio-political contexts in which clients exist .

Practical Implications for Gender-Affirming Therapy

In gender-affirming therapy, recognizing the unique attachment wounds experienced by trans*, nonbinary, and queer clients is essential for fostering healing. By offering a secure base, therapists can help clients re-establish their capacity for secure attachments—whether in relationships with others or in their relationship to themselves. The integration of queer theory and decolonizing perspectives allows us to provide culturally responsive care that acknowledges the full complexity of attachment for marginalized individuals.

The Personal-Professional Connection: From Maternal Deprivation to Building Secure Bases

John Bowlby’s early experiences of emotional distance were not the only forces that shaped his work. His academic journey and professional relationships further informed his evolving theories. Bowlby was profoundly influenced by his mentors and collaborators, particularly Mary Ainsworth, whose Strange Situation study provided empirical support for his theoretical framework. Together, their research emphasized the critical importance of secure emotional attachments and the concept of a secure base—a foundation that has become central not only to Attachment Theory but also to modern therapeutic practices, including gender-affirming therapy (Pearce, 2009, p. 50).

Ainsworth’s Strange Situation study was pivotal in demonstrating the various ways that children form attachments and how these attachments manifest in their behaviours toward caregivers. This research was instrumental in confirming Bowlby’s hypothesis that children need a consistent, emotionally available caregiver to feel secure. Without this secure base, a child might develop anxious or avoidant attachment behaviours, which could carry into adulthood, affecting their ability to form trusting relationships (Bowlby, 1988). For Bowlby, the secure base was both a metaphor for the emotional availability a caregiver provides and a practical framework for understanding the relational needs of individuals throughout their lives.

In my work as a gender-affirming therapist, the concept of the secure base takes on profound significance, particularly when working with trans*, nonbinary, and queer clients who may have experienced ruptures in attachment or rejection due to their gender identity or sexual orientation. For many of my clients, the secure base is not necessarily a biological family or a traditional caregiver; it often comes in the form of chosen family or affirming communities where their identities are fully accepted, celebrated, and supported. These chosen relationships provide the emotional security necessary for clients to explore their identities and experiences without fear of judgment or rejection, creating a foundation from which they can build resilience and self-trust.

Just as Bowlby believed that a child’s sense of security was rooted in the consistent availability of a caregiver, the therapeutic relationship can serve as a secure base for clients. By providing an emotionally safe and affirming environment, therapists can help clients reconnect with parts of themselves that have been suppressed or rejected due to societal pressures or familial expectations. This relational security is especially crucial for those who have experienced trauma related to their gender identity or expression, as the process of identity exploration requires vulnerability and trust—qualities that are often compromised by experiences of marginalization and discrimination.

For trans* and queer clients, the secure base may extend beyond the therapeutic relationship and into broader social contexts. Affirming communities, advocacy groups, and peer networks play a vital role in providing the security needed to navigate a world that often marginalizes and stigmatizes non-normative identities. These communities offer not only emotional support but also practical resources that help individuals reclaim their sense of agency and belonging. In therapy, I encourage clients to seek out these secure bases in their lives, whether through relationships, community engagement, or personal practices of self-compassion.

Bowlby’s concept of the secure base aligns beautifully with the goals of gender-affirming therapy. It reinforces the idea that healing and personal growth are relational processes, grounded in the safety and security provided by affirming connections. Whether these connections are with therapists, chosen families, or broader communities, the secure base offers a powerful foundation for clients to explore their identities, heal from past trauma, and build a future rooted in self-acceptance and empowerment.

In my practice, I have seen firsthand how creating a secure base within the therapeutic relationship can be transformative for clients. When individuals feel safe and affirmed, they are better able to engage in the deep work of self-exploration and healing. The secure base not only provides emotional stability but also fosters the resilience needed to face the challenges of navigating a world that often fails to recognize or affirm their identities. By grounding therapy in the principles of attachment and relational security, we can offer clients the space to grow, heal, and thrive, even in the face of adversity.

Gender-Affirming Care Through the Lens of Attachment Theory

Integrating John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory into gender-affirming therapy offers a vital framework for addressing the complexities of attachment, particularly for marginalized clients who may have faced systemic oppression, familial rejection, or societal stigma. For trans* and queer clients, their attachment experiences are often shaped not only by personal histories but also by the broader, intersecting forces of homophobia, transphobia, racism, and other forms of systemic injustice. Understanding how these forces impact attachment adds an essential layer to therapeutic work.

In traditional attachment theory, the focus is on the secure or insecure bonds formed with primary caregivers. However, for marginalized individuals, this framework must also include the ways in which systemic oppression disrupts these bonds. As Munt (2007) observes, the effects of societal shame and rejection are profound, often leading to feelings of isolation, internalized shame, and disconnection from both self and others (p. 204). Queer individuals, for instance, may grow up in environments where their identities are not only unaccepted but actively punished, which can compound early attachment wounds with a pervasive sense of social alienation.

In practice, this means that the role of the therapist is not just to provide a secure base but to acknowledge the broader societal context in which the client’s attachment experiences are embedded. Therapy becomes a space for addressing both the internalized effects of systemic oppression and the relational wounds caused by insecure attachments. For example, many clients may come to therapy feeling unsafe in relationships due to past experiences of homophobia or transphobia, even within their own families. Here, the therapeutic relationship can serve as a new kind of secure attachment—one that actively challenges the forces of oppression while providing emotional safety.

By using Attachment Theory, we can help clients explore how their past relationships have been shaped by these intersecting forces. For instance, a client who was rejected by their family for their gender identity may have learned to anticipate rejection in other areas of life, making it difficult to trust or feel secure in relationships. Therapy can provide a space where they can unpack these attachment patterns and begin to understand how societal shame and rejection have influenced their emotional responses. Psychoeducation around attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—can help clients see how their past experiences with both caregivers and oppressive systems have shaped their current relationships and emotional lives.

Bowlby’s (1988) idea that healing is possible through secure, consistent relationships aligns with the goals of gender-affirming therapy, which focuses on helping clients rebuild trust and form secure, affirming connections with others, themselves, and their communities (Ezquerro, 2017, p. 206). For clients who have experienced systemic marginalization, these affirming connections can be transformative, offering a path toward healing the relational wounds caused by both personal and societal rejection.

Healing Through Gender Affirmation and Secure Attachment

John Bowlby’s work emphasizes that healing happens within relationships. For trans* and queer clients, the process of healing is often intertwined with their journeys of self-discovery, gender affirmation, and reclaiming their right to exist as their authentic selves. However, this process is complicated by systemic oppression, which disrupts the very foundations of secure attachment by perpetuating shame, rejection, and marginalization.

As Sally R. Munt (2007) describes, shame is not merely a personal emotion but a socially constructed force that acts upon marginalized bodies, shaping their experiences of self and other (p. 203). For many queer individuals, this shame is woven into their early experiences of attachment, particularly if their caregivers or communities rejected their identities. The result is not only a personal rupture in attachment but a profound disconnection from the broader social world, where individuals are made to feel that they do not belong. Healing in this context requires more than just addressing personal attachment wounds—it involves reclaiming one’s identity in the face of systemic oppression and finding new, affirming connections that foster emotional safety and belonging.

In gender-affirming therapy, the secure base that Bowlby describes becomes a space where clients can begin to heal these intersecting wounds. The therapist offers a relationship that is not only emotionally safe but actively affirming of the client’s gender identity and lived experience. This therapeutic relationship provides a model for how clients can form secure attachments with others, even in the face of societal rejection. It allows clients to cultivate resilience and trust, both within themselves and in their relationships with others.

For many trans* and queer clients, healing also involves building affirming relationships within chosen families and supportive communities. These relationships offer the acceptance and love that may have been absent in early attachments. Just as Bowlby’s theory highlights the importance of a secure base in fostering emotional exploration, affirming relationships within the LGBTQ2S+ community offer clients the space to explore and embrace their identities without fear of judgment or rejection.

Bowlby’s legacy teaches us that healing from attachment wounds requires more than just personal work—it requires the cultivation of supportive, affirming relationships that challenge the forces of shame and marginalization. In gender-affirming therapy, we have the opportunity to provide that secure base, helping clients to rebuild their sense of worth, trust, and belonging as they navigate their gender journeys.

Conclusion: Bowlby’s Legacy and the Power of Affirming Connections

John Bowlby’s life and work serve as profound reminders of the role secure attachments play in our emotional health and well-being. His personal experiences of emotional distance, paired with his professional observations of children deprived of secure attachments, laid the foundation for one of the most influential psychological theories of our time. Attachment Theory continues to inform the ways we understand relationships, healing, and emotional resilience.

For those of us working in gender-affirming care, Bowlby’s insights provide invaluable guidance. His emphasis on the need for a secure base echoes the needs of trans*, nonbinary, and queer clients who have often experienced disconnection or rejection in their early attachments. These disruptions in emotional security can leave deep wounds, but Bowlby’s work reminds us that healing is always possible—especially when it occurs within the context of supportive, affirming relationships.

As therapists, we have the privilege and responsibility to offer a secure base for our clients, where they can feel safe to explore their identities and heal from past hurts. By fostering these secure attachments in therapy and encouraging our clients to build affirming connections in their broader lives, we help them reconnect with themselves and others. This process not only promotes emotional security and resilience but also empowers clients to reclaim their sense of worth and belonging.

Bowlby’s legacy is a testament to the transformative power of secure relationships. In gender-affirming therapy, we honour this legacy by creating spaces where clients can find the safety, affirmation, and love they deserve—building not only resilience but also a foundation for thriving.

Let’s Continue the Conversation

If the ideas in this blog resonate with you, I warmly invite you to connect with me. Whether you’re a therapist seeking guidance on incorporating Attachment Theory into your practice, or someone navigating identity exploration and looking for support, I’m here to help. You may book individual therapy sessions or peer consultations online. Be sure to bookmark this blog for future insights, reflections, and updates.

References

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. BasicBooks.

Holmes, J. (2014). John Bowlby and attachment theory (2nd ed.). Routledge.

Karen, R. (1994). Becoming attached: First relationships and how they shape our capacity to love. Oxford University Press.

Munt, S. (2007). Queer attachments: The cultural politics of shame. Ashgate Publishing.

Prior, V., & Glaser, D. (2006). Understanding attachment and attachment disorders: Theory, evidence, and practice. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Disclaimer: This blog offers general educational information and does not constitute professional advice or establish a therapist-client relationship. Please consult a healthcare provider for personalized guidance. Any decisions based on the content are the reader’s responsibility, and Clayre Sessoms Psychotherapy assumes no liability. All case studies are hypothetical with fictional names and do not reflect actual people. We prioritize your privacy and the confidentiality of all of our clients. We are committed to maintaining a safe, supportive space for 2SLGBTQIA+ community care.

Clayre Sessoms is a trans, queer, and neurodivergent Registered Psychotherapist (RP), Certified Sensorimotor Psychotherapist, and Board Certified Art Therapist (ATR-BC), offering online therapy for trans*, nonbinary, queer, and 2SLGBTQIA+ allied adults and teens across Canada. With a deep commitment to trauma-attuned gender-affirming care, Clayre integrates talk therapy, experiential collaboration, and creative expression to support clients to grow, heal, or navigate change. When not working with clients or supervising newly-licensed therapists, Clayre finds solace in nature, where she recharges her creativity and compassion.

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