Introduction: Understanding Attachment Through a Queer-Inclusive Lens

Introduction

Attachment theory offers profound insights into how we form relationships and how these dynamics shape our emotional well-being. However, it’s crucial to recognize that this theory, much like the broader field of psychology, wasn’t designed with the experiences of trans*, nonbinary, and gender-expansive individuals in mind. Historically, psychology has been shaped by Western, cisnormative frameworks, leaving marginalized groups underrepresented in attachment research and its clinical applications. By queering attachment theory, we’re able to challenge these limitations and create space for inclusive, affirming conversations about how attachment styles manifest across diverse identities.

Queering attachment theory is about more than adapting existing concepts to LGBTQ+ experiences; it’s about fundamentally re-examining the ways attachment is impacted by societal structures of power, privilege, and oppression. When we recognize the unique struggles of trans* and nonbinary individuals—such as navigating familial rejection, internalized transphobia, or experiences of social exclusion—we open the door to a more holistic understanding of attachment dynamics. This, in turn, allows therapists and clients alike to cultivate healthier relationships that honour the complexities of identity, trauma, and connection.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the four attachment styles—secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized—through the lens of queerness and marginalized identities. We’ll examine how individuals who are trans*, nonbinary, or gender expansive might experience these attachment frameworks differently due to the layers of oppression they face. Together, we’ll delve into what it means to form healthy attachments in an anti-oppressive context, while also considering how therapists can decolonize their approach to foster deeper healing for LGBTQ+ clients.

This revised introduction creates a deeper engagement with the reader by framing attachment theory as both insightful and adaptable for marginalized communities. It brings in themes of oppression and decolonization while expanding on the need to queer traditional frameworks, setting the tone for a thoughtful and inclusive exploration of attachment theory.

The Foundations of Attachment Theory: Expanding Beyond Cisnormative Assumptions

Attachment theory, originally pioneered by John Bowlby, offers critical insights into how early childhood experiences with caregivers shape our ability to form bonds throughout our lives. Bowlby (1969) emphasized the importance of these formative relationships, suggesting that secure attachments in infancy provide a foundation for healthy emotional development. However, as with many psychological theories developed in the mid-20th century, attachment theory emerged within a predominantly Western, cisnormative, and heteronormative framework. This has implications for how we understand attachment dynamics in today’s diverse, gender-expansive world.

Mary Ainsworth later built upon Bowlby’s work with her Strange Situation experiments, observing how infants reacted to their caregivers’ presence and absence (Ainsworth et al., 1978). These studies led to the identification of four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Each of these styles reflects distinct ways individuals seek and maintain connection based on early relational experiences.

However, while Bowlby and Ainsworth laid the groundwork, it’s important to recognize that mainstream attachment research often assumes a cisgender, heterosexual experience of attachment (Levine & Heller, 2011). For trans*, nonbinary, and queer individuals, attachment experiences can be profoundly shaped by societal oppression, family rejection, and the ongoing trauma of navigating a world that frequently invalidates their identity. These factors can contribute to attachment styles that reflect not only relational dynamics with caregivers but also the broader social context in which marginalized individuals grow up.

By expanding the lens of attachment theory to include gender and sexual diversity, we can better serve individuals whose attachment styles are influenced by these intersecting identities (Munt, 2008). A queer-inclusive approach to attachment recognizes that experiences such as misgendering, familial rejection, and internalized transphobia can affect how individuals form and maintain attachments in adulthood. These unique challenges necessitate a more nuanced understanding of attachment that goes beyond traditional frameworks.

For example, many trans* and nonbinary individuals may struggle with anxious or avoidant attachment due to past experiences of rejection or marginalization. An individual’s struggle to trust that others will accept them for who they truly are can lead to patterns of withdrawal or hyper-vigilance in relationships. As therapists, it’s essential to acknowledge these experiences and offer an affirming, validating space where clients can explore and heal their attachment wounds.

In this context, queer-affirming therapy must not only work within the traditional framework of attachment styles but also incorporate an anti-oppressive lens that understands how systemic oppression plays a role in relational dynamics. By doing so, we create a more inclusive approach that honours the complexity of each individual’s lived experience.

Exploring the Four Attachment Styles: A Queer-Affirming Perspective

1. Secure Attachment: Trust and Connection

A secure attachment is often viewed as the ideal, where individuals feel safe, supported, and able to rely on their partners. People with secure attachments are comfortable with intimacy and trust that others will be there for them, feeling confident in both giving and receiving love (Ainsworth et al., 1978). This attachment style is rooted in early experiences with caregivers who were consistently responsive and emotionally available, fostering a foundation of trust and security.

For trans*, nonbinary, and queer individuals, developing secure attachment can be complicated by societal rejection, discrimination, or familial estrangement. Many individuals in the LGBTQ+ community face additional layers of stress and trauma due to their identities, which may disrupt the ability to form secure attachments in childhood. For instance, if a caregiver invalidates or rejects their child’s gender identity, the child’s capacity to trust others may be impacted. However, affirming therapy offers a pathway for healing. By creating a therapeutic space that emphasizes trust, safety, and belonging, therapists can help clients build secure attachments in their relationships and explore what it means to feel truly supported for who they are (Munt, 2008).

In my practice, I’ve witnessed trans* and nonbinary individuals reclaim a sense of security in their relationships when they feel fully seen and accepted. This healing process, often referred to as queer attachment repair, is a profound act of self-love.

2. Avoidant Attachment: The Fear of Vulnerability

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style often feel a strong need for independence and distance in their relationships. This may manifest as discomfort with intimacy, emotional detachment, or difficulty in relying on others. Avoidant attachment is typically linked to caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive, leading children to develop self-reliance as a defense mechanism (Levine & Heller, 2011).

In queer communities, avoidant attachment can sometimes be a survival response to systemic oppression. For those who have been forced to repress or hide their true identities to protect themselves, vulnerability may feel dangerous. Trans* and nonbinary individuals, for instance, may avoid closeness in relationships due to fears of rejection, misgendering, or societal violence. Therapy rooted in an anti-oppressive framework can help clients safely explore vulnerability, fostering a sense of healthy independence without sacrificing meaningful connection (Munt, 2008).

Therapists can work with clients to redefine independence as a strength while also encouraging the exploration of safe spaces for emotional expression and intimacy. By validating a client’s need for protection while gently challenging avoidant behaviors, therapy can become a space for clients to rebuild trust and connection on their own terms.

3. Anxious Attachment: Seeking Reassurance

Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep need for reassurance, coupled with an intense fear of abandonment. Individuals with this attachment style may experience heightened emotional responses, often feeling insecure about whether their needs will be met by others. This attachment style is often the result of inconsistent caregiving, where a child may have experienced times of emotional support but also unpredictability, leading to a constant need for reassurance (Ainsworth et al., 1978).

For trans* and nonbinary individuals, anxious attachment can be exacerbated by a history of societal rejection or internalized transphobia. The fear of not being fully accepted—by partners, friends, or family—can amplify anxiety within relationships. An anti-oppressive therapeutic approach can help clients recognize the ways in which societal pressures and gender-based discrimination have influenced their attachment style (Munt, 2008).

Therapists can support clients in navigating their anxious attachment by building a strong therapeutic alliance based on trust and consistency. Over time, clients can learn to challenge the narrative that they are unworthy of love and connection, instead fostering self-compassion and confidence in their ability to form secure, affirming relationships.

4. Disorganized Attachment: Navigating Trauma

Disorganized attachment combines both anxious and avoidant traits and is often linked to childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Individuals with disorganized attachment may struggle with trust and connection but also deeply fear abandonment, leading to confusing or contradictory behaviors in relationships (Levine & Heller, 2011). This attachment style reflects the experiences of caregivers who were both a source of comfort and fear, creating a profound sense of instability in the child.

For LGBTQ+ individuals, disorganized attachment can arise from traumatic experiences such as conversion therapy, family rejection, or broader societal marginalization (Munt, 2008). These experiences may lead to a fractured sense of self and mistrust in relationships, where the individual longs for connection but fears vulnerability due to past harm.

Therapists can support individuals with disorganized attachment by creating a consistent, safe, and nonjudgmental space for healing. For trans* and nonbinary clients, this may involve validating the complexities of their lived experiences and helping them to navigate the intersection of trauma and identity. By fostering a therapeutic relationship based on trust and stability, clients can begin to rebuild their sense of safety and attachment to others.

When working with clients who have experienced disorganized attachment, it’s crucial to honour their resilience while gently guiding them toward a sense of security. Healing involves not only addressing past trauma but also reimagining the possibility of trusting relationships in the future.

Real-Life Example: Navigating Queer Attachment Dynamics

Let’s look at a hypothetical example: Robin, a nonbinary individual, has struggled with avoidant attachment for much of their life. Growing up, Robin experienced repeated rejection from their family, particularly around their gender identity. Their caregivers were emotionally distant, often dismissing Robin’s need for validation and connection. This lack of consistent emotional support led Robin to develop a defense mechanism of withdrawing in relationships, where vulnerability felt dangerous and trust seemed like an impossible risk.

In therapy, Robin begins to explore their tendency to withdraw from emotional intimacy. They fear that their partners won’t fully accept them, so they often create emotional distance as a form of self-protection. Through body-centered work and deep relational attunement, Robin and their therapist work together to gently uncover the origins of these fears. The therapist provides a safe, affirming space where Robin can explore their attachment wounds without judgment.

Body-centered approaches, such as Sensorimotor Psychotherapy or Focusing-Oriented Therapy, help Robin connect with their felt sense of vulnerability. These techniques allow Robin to physically notice how their body reacts when they think about vulnerability or rejection. For example, Robin may observe that they tense their shoulders or hold their breath when imagining opening up to a partner. Through mindful exploration of these physical responses, Robin begins to understand that their avoidance of intimacy is rooted in a deep-seated fear of being hurt again (Ogden & Fisher, 2015).

With time and practice, Robin learns to trust their therapist and, eventually, their partners. They begin to take small steps toward vulnerability, such as sharing their feelings more openly or allowing themselves to rely on others for emotional support. While the journey to secure attachment is ongoing, Robin’s ability to show vulnerability without fear is a significant marker of progress. Therapy has provided them with the tools to recognize that their avoidant behaviors, while once protective, are no longer serving them in their relationships.

Through a queer-affirming therapeutic process, Robin moves toward healthier, more secure attachments, where they can show up as their full, authentic self without the constant need to guard against rejection (Munt, 2008).

Decolonizing Attachment Theory: Honouring Diverse Relational Bonds

Attachment theory, like many foundational psychological frameworks, was developed within a colonial context that often excludes or marginalizes non-Western perspectives (Munt, 2008). Traditional attachment models, such as those pioneered by Bowlby and Ainsworth, focus heavily on the nuclear family structure and emphasize individualistic bonds between caregivers and children. These models largely reflect Western ideals, which may not align with how attachment is experienced in different cultural or communal settings. As therapists, it’s essential to question whose attachment norms are being prioritized and how these norms may unintentionally reinforce colonial ideologies.

In many Indigenous cultures and communities of colour, attachment extends far beyond the Western concept of the nuclear family. Attachment is not solely based on dyadic relationships between a primary caregiver and a child but includes extended family members, elders, and the larger community. These forms of collective care are central to maintaining strong relational bonds, fostering a sense of belonging and security that differs from the individualistic approach of Western attachment theory (Munt, 2008).

To decolonize attachment theory, therapists must actively value these diverse relational structures and challenge the assumption that Western attachment models are universally applicable. This means broadening our understanding of what secure attachment looks like and recognizing that attachment can be nurtured in multiple ways—whether through blood relatives, chosen family, or community networks. Decolonizing therapy invites us to move beyond a narrow focus on caregiver-child dynamics and embrace a more expansive view of relational bonds that include community care and collective responsibility.

For instance, within many Indigenous frameworks, care and attachment are seen as responsibilities shared by the community as a whole. Elders play a critical role in passing down wisdom, while extended family members may be just as involved in caregiving as the immediate parents. This collective approach to attachment not only provides children with a wider safety net but also fosters resilience and connection throughout the lifespan.

Moreover, decolonizing attachment theory requires acknowledging the ways in which colonization and systemic oppression have disrupted these traditional forms of attachment. Colonial policies such as the residential school system in Canada, which forcibly removed Indigenous children from their families, have had devastating effects on attachment across generations. These traumatic disruptions continue to impact Indigenous communities, as survivors and their descendants work to heal from the intergenerational trauma caused by these policies.

Therapists working with clients from Indigenous or other marginalized communities must be mindful of these legacies of colonial harm and approach attachment repair with cultural humility. By honoring the importance of chosen family, collective care, and interdependence, therapists can create a space for clients to reconnect with their cultural heritage and build secure attachments in a way that aligns with their values and lived experiences.

Decolonizing attachment theory is an ongoing process that asks therapists to remain reflective and open to alternative frameworks of care. It invites us to shift from a Western, individualistic lens to one that values relational diversity and honours the collective bonds that sustain marginalized communities.

By broadening our understanding of attachment and actively challenging colonial frameworks, therapists can foster healing that is both inclusive and empowering for clients of all backgrounds. This approach ensures that all forms of connection—whether familial, communal, or chosen family—are recognized and valued within the therapeutic space (Munt, 2008).

Conclusion: Embracing Queer Attachment as a Path to Healing

Understanding the four attachment styles offers a powerful framework for self-awareness and relational growth. However, by queering attachment theory, we move beyond traditional, cisnormative frameworks and embrace the diverse ways that individuals in the LGBTQ+ community experience and form relationships. This expanded perspective allows us to acknowledge how factors like systemic oppression, societal rejection, and lived experiences of gender and sexual diversity shape attachment styles in unique ways.

Therapists and clients alike stand to benefit from viewing attachment through an anti-oppressive, intersectional lens. By integrating this approach, we create spaces that validate and honour the complex, multifaceted experiences of marginalized communities. Attachment work, when done with cultural humility and a commitment to decolonization, has the potential to empower individuals to reclaim their capacity for secure, affirming relationships.

In queer-affirming therapy, clients are not only guided through understanding their attachment styles but are also supported in healing the wounds that societal rejection and systemic barriers may have inflicted. By embracing queer attachment as a path to healing, we help individuals cultivate deeper trust, connection, and safety in their relationships—whether with family, partners, friends, or chosen family. This process is one of both self-discovery and collective liberation, where attachment work becomes an avenue for healing not just as individuals but as part of a larger, affirming community.

Let’s Continue the Conversation

If the ideas in this blog resonate with you, I warmly invite you to connect with me. Whether you’re a therapist seeking guidance on queer-affirming practices or someone navigating attachment dynamics and looking for support, I’m here to help. You can book individual therapy sessions or peer consultations online. Be sure to bookmark this blog for future insights, reflections, and updates.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2011). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Munt, S. R. (2008). Queer attachments: The cultural politics of shame. Ashgate Publishing.

Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment. W.W. Norton & Company.