Relationship Check-ins: Strengthening Communication in Trans and/or Queer Partnerships

Introduction

Relationships are living, breathing entities that require intentional care, attention, and thoughtful communication to thrive, particularly within the trans* and queer community. These partnerships are often beautifully diverse, encompassing varying identities, experiences, and ways of loving—whether in monogamous, polyamorous, or other relational structures. However, the intersectional realities faced by these partners—such as navigating gender identity, societal expectations, and the oppressive forces of transphobia, homophobia, racism, and ableism—add unique layers of complexity to maintaining connection and intimacy.

For many trans* and queer individuals, societal marginalization may create barriers to authentic self-expression, even within relationships. Gender identity shifts, body dysphoria, external pressures to conform, or the fear of rejection can lead to unspoken needs, simmering resentments, or even a sense of isolation between partners. This is where relationship check-ins come into play—offering a powerful, intentional space to slow down and mindfully reconnect.

Relationship check-ins, as regular and intentional conversations, provide a structure for partners to share evolving needs, affirm one another, and align their values. These conversations allow for emotional safety—a space where vulnerability is not only accepted but encouraged. As a psychotherapist and art therapist, I’ve seen how these moments of intentional reflection can transform connections. Partners can come together to not only nurture their relationship but also to grow as individuals navigating their own unique gender journeys and the broader challenges of existing in a world that may not fully accept them.

As Amy Banks explains in Wired to Connect, our brains are fundamentally wired for connection (Banks & Hirschman, 2016). This biological reality is magnified in relationships where emotional safety is paramount. For partners within trans* and queer communities, where external oppression and discrimination are pervasive, these intentional check-ins provide a crucial lifeline for maintaining trust and intimacy. When we engage in these reflective dialogues, we are offering a gift to ourselves and our partners—the gift of presence, empathy, and co-regulation.

Incorporating relationship check-ins is not only about addressing issues but about cultivating mindfulness in the relationship. Stephanie Wijkstrom, in Creating Relationship Wellness, emphasizes the role of mindfulness in fostering a connection that is not reactionary but responsive and thoughtful (Wijkstrom, 2021). When partners come together in these mindful conversations, they co-create a space where both can feel seen, heard, and valued—something particularly necessary for those navigating the complexities of gender identity and societal marginalization.

This blog post explores how to implement relationship check-ins effectively. The strategies outlined are rooted in an anti-oppressive framework, which prioritizes inclusivity, mutual respect, and mindfulness. Whether you are a therapist supporting your clients through these conversations or a partner seeking to deepen your connection, this guide offers practical insights to strengthen your relationships through intentional, meaningful dialogue.

Let’s explore how relationship check-ins can serve as a transformative practice in fostering understanding, addressing the unique challenges trans* and queer partners face, and deepening the emotional bonds that sustain us.

The Importance of Relationship Check-ins for Emotional Safety and Growth

Human beings are biologically wired for connection, and this fundamental truth forms the foundation of all healthy relationships. Neuroscience continues to reveal just how essential emotional safety is for our mental well-being and relational health. As Amy Banks and Leigh Ann Hirschman discuss in Wired to Connect, the brain’s neural pathways are designed to thrive in environments of emotional resonance, where safety and connection are prioritized (Banks & Hirschman, 2016). This is particularly true for partners in trans* and queer relationships, where external forces such as transphobia, homophobia, or rejection from family and society can destabilize even the strongest bonds.

For trans* and queer partners, the need for emotional safety is heightened due to the unique challenges they face. Systemic oppression and discrimination can seep into intimate relationships, creating an environment where fear, silence, or misunderstanding might take root. Relationship check-ins provide a structured and intentional space to recalibrate and re-establish that emotional safety. These regular conversations offer the opportunity to bring the focus back to the partnership itself, allowing both partners to express their evolving needs, desires, and struggles.

At the core of these check-ins is the notion of mutual care and understanding. As partners navigate complexities like gender identity transitions, polyamory dynamics, or body dysphoria, the emotional terrain can feel uncertain. Without a structured outlet for these conversations, unspoken emotions may fester, leading to miscommunication or disconnection. In my practice, I have witnessed how clients can feel unseen or misunderstood when difficult conversations about their gender journey or polyamorous experiences are avoided out of fear or discomfort. When we create a ritual of relationship check-ins, we break the cycle of silence and offer a safer space for each partner to be heard and validated.

In Lesbian Couples, Clunis and Green emphasize that open, honest communication is a hallmark of successful queer relationships. Societal norms—often rooted in heteronormative ideals—can dictate silence around non-normative experiences like polyamory, queerness, or gender transition (Clunis & Green, 2005). This silence, compounded by internalized shame or fear of judgment, can erode intimacy over time. Regular check-ins combat this by inviting vulnerability and fostering a culture of openness, where each partner can voice their experiences without fear of reprisal.

For therapists working with trans* and queer clients, encouraging these check-ins can be a transformative tool. When clients are empowered to engage in these reflective dialogues, they begin to reclaim their agency and voice within the relationship. As Wijkstrom notes in Creating Relationship Wellness, mindfulness plays a crucial role in fostering non-judgmental, present-focused communication (Wijkstrom, 2021). This mindfulness can be woven into the check-in process, helping clients pause, listen, and respond with empathy, rather than react defensively or shut down emotionally.

From a therapeutic perspective, relationship check-ins are not just about addressing problems—they are about building resilience. Trans* and queer clients often face multiple forms of marginalization, and their partnerships can become sanctuaries of mutual support when nurtured with care and intention. By creating space to address identity shifts, evolving personal boundaries, or even the external stressors of daily life, partners can grow closer, becoming more attuned to each other’s emotional landscapes.

Check-ins can also provide a practical way to address intersectionality within the relationship. Partners may come from different racial, cultural, or socio-economic backgrounds, which further complicates their lived experiences of oppression and privilege. Relationship check-ins offer an opportunity to explore how these intersecting identities affect each partner’s sense of safety, belonging, and connection within the relationship. Encouraging conversations about how societal oppression might be impacting each partner differently can foster a deeper understanding and strengthen relational bonds.

In my own work with trans* and queer clients, I’ve seen how relationship check-ins can serve as a lifeline, helping partners recalibrate when the pressures of the outside world feel too heavy. These conversations create space for partners to bring their whole selves into the relationship—their fears, their joys, their identities—and to be met with compassion and care. Through regular check-ins, clients can move from merely surviving the challenges of life as marginalized individuals to truly thriving in their partnerships, grounded in mutual support and understanding.

Title: Finding the Right Rhythm for Relationship Check-ins

There’s no universal formula for how often relationship check-ins should occur. Every partnership—whether monogamous, polyamorous, or anywhere in between—has its own dynamic, rhythm, and set of needs. For trans* and queer partners, especially those navigating the complexities of polyamory, relationship check-ins need to be flexible and responsive, tailored to the individuals involved. Some partners may benefit from weekly check-ins, while others may prefer to have more extended time between these conversations. The key is consistency, as regularity helps to build trust, maintain emotional intimacy, and foster a sense of security.

In Creating Relationship Wellness, Stephanie Wijkstrom emphasizes the importance of routine in maintaining emotional closeness within partnerships. She explains that mindfulness practices, when applied consistently in relationships, help to cultivate non-judgmental awareness and openness (Wijkstrom, 2021). This idea is particularly relevant in queer and polyamorous relationships, where dynamics may be more fluid and complex. Finding a rhythm that works for all partners is essential in ensuring that everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. For some, this may mean weekly check-ins; for others, monthly or bi-weekly conversations may provide the necessary time and space for meaningful reflection and connection.

In my practice with trans* and queer clients, I’ve found that starting with monthly check-ins is often a helpful approach, particularly for those who are new to the practice. Monthly conversations provide enough regularity to stay connected without feeling overwhelming, especially when multiple partners are involved. These check-ins can occur in a variety of settings, depending on what feels most comfortable and conducive to open communication. For some partners, a quiet morning coffee in the comfort of their home may provide the intimacy needed for a vulnerable conversation. Others may find that taking a peaceful walk outdoors helps ease the flow of communication by offering a grounding, neutral environment.

What matters most is that the space feels emotionally safe, where vulnerability can be met with empathy and care. In queer and trans* relationships, this safety can be especially critical, as partners may be navigating external pressures—such as transphobia or family rejection—that can complicate their sense of security within the relationship. A consistent check-in practice, one that partners can rely on as a time for connection and reflection, helps to create a solid foundation of trust, even in the face of external stressors.

For polyamorous relationships, the complexities can be heightened by the number of people involved, each bringing their own needs, emotional landscapes, and relationship dynamics. In these partnerships, it’s essential to approach check-ins with flexibility and openness, recognizing that what works for one partner may not work for another. In some cases, separate check-ins with individual partners may be helpful before coming together for a group conversation, especially if there are sensitive or unresolved issues that need to be addressed in private first. The rhythm of check-ins may need to be adjusted as the relationship evolves, and that’s okay. What’s important is that the process is collaborative, and all voices are respected.

In addition to timing, the duration of check-ins can also vary. Some partners may prefer shorter, more frequent conversations that focus on immediate concerns or emotional check-ins, while others may benefit from more extended, less frequent sessions that allow for deeper reflection and dialogue. In Lesbian Couples, Clunis and Green emphasize the need for flexibility in queer relationships, where societal expectations may not always apply, and where partners must create their own norms and rhythms based on their unique needs and desires (Clunis & Green, 2005). This flexibility extends to how partners approach relationship check-ins, allowing them to craft a practice that works specifically for their relationship.

Ultimately, there is no “right” frequency or length for relationship check-ins—what matters most is that they happen consistently and with intention. Whether weekly, monthly, or somewhere in between, these conversations provide an opportunity to strengthen emotional intimacy, address unspoken needs, and nurture the bond between partners. For trans* and queer relationships, where external challenges may be more prevalent, check-ins offer a powerful tool for maintaining connection and mutual support. By regularly making space for these conversations, partners can ensure that their relationships remain resilient, adaptable, and deeply affirming.

Questions to Ask During Relationship Check-ins

Here are some questions to guide your check-ins, fostering open dialogue and emotional safety:

1. How are you feeling in our relationship?

This question invites your partner to share their emotions and identify any unspoken needs. It’s essential to listen without judgment, allowing space for feelings to be heard and validated.

2. What do you love most about our relationship?

As Wijkstrom highlights, gratitude can be a powerful tool for rekindling intimacy (Wijkstrom, 2021). Focusing on the positive aspects of your relationship can shift the dynamic from problem-solving to celebration, deepening your bond.

3. What’s been challenging for you lately, and how can I support you?

Whether it’s gender dysphoria, work stress, or polyamorous dynamics, this question provides a platform for partners to express struggles and seek support. Creating space for this dialogue helps partners feel seen and cared for.

4. How do you feel about our intimacy?

Intimacy isn’t just physical—it’s emotional. For trans* and queer partners, navigating intimacy may come with added layers, such as body dysmorphia or changes during gender transition. Having an open conversation about how you can nurture intimacy is key to a healthy relationship.

Navigating Difficult Conversations with Care and Compassion

Relationship check-ins are vital for maintaining emotional intimacy, but they are not always easy. Difficult conversations—whether about unmet needs, financial issues, or anxieties within the relationship—can be emotionally charged and fraught with tension. However, approaching these conversations with mindfulness, empathy, and non-judgmental awareness can transform moments of potential conflict into powerful opportunities for growth and connection.

Stephanie Wijkstrom, in Creating Relationship Wellness, emphasizes the importance of adopting a mindful approach when navigating sensitive topics. Mindfulness invites us to stay present, focused, and non-reactive, allowing us to listen deeply without rushing to judgment or defense (Wijkstrom, 2021). In the context of relationship check-ins, this means creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their emotions, concerns, and desires without fear of rejection or escalation. For trans* and queer partners, whose experiences of societal oppression can often intensify feelings of vulnerability, this mindful, compassionate approach is essential.

Sensitive topics like financial stress or relationship anxieties often arise during check-ins, and they can bring up strong emotions. For example, one partner may feel anxious about the future due to financial instability, while the other partner may feel defensive or overwhelmed by the pressures of budgeting or debt. These conversations can easily escalate if partners feel misunderstood or dismissed. However, by approaching these topics with intentional care, partners can navigate them in ways that deepen trust and mutual support.

One method I often share with clients in my practice is the power of pausing during heated moments. When a conversation begins to feel too intense, taking a moment to pause—whether through a deep breath, a brief silence, or even a suggestion to take a walk—can help de-escalate tension. As simple as it sounds, this practice can create space for both partners to reflect on their emotions before responding. It helps shift the conversation from reactive to reflective, fostering a more empathetic and measured dialogue.

Pausing is not about avoiding the topic at hand but about allowing both partners the time to gather their thoughts and approach the conversation with a clearer mindset. Often, when tensions are high, our natural inclination is to defend our position or react impulsively. This can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or further escalation. By incorporating pauses, partners can take a step back, re-centre themselves, and return to the conversation with a greater capacity for empathy and compassion.

For example, I worked with a couple who struggled with anxiety about their financial future. One partner felt overwhelmed by the mounting pressures of student loans and credit card debt, while the other partner was worried about how their financial situation was affecting their ability to plan for the future. During their check-ins, these conversations often became heated, with both partners feeling misunderstood. Together, we practiced the art of pausing. By incorporating intentional pauses during moments of tension, they learned to slow down, listen more deeply to each other’s concerns, and respond with compassion rather than defensiveness. Over time, this practice allowed them to address their financial anxieties more collaboratively, finding solutions that worked for both.

In moments when the conversation becomes too charged, it is okay to table the topic temporarily. This does not mean avoiding the issue altogether but rather agreeing to revisit it when both partners feel calmer and more prepared to engage. Setting boundaries around when and how to discuss sensitive topics can help prevent emotional overwhelm and create a safer environment for honest expression. This approach acknowledges that some conversations require more emotional bandwidth than others, and that it’s okay to take the time needed to approach them with care.

For therapists working with trans* and queer clients, encouraging these mindful pauses can be a transformative tool. When partners learn to pause and regulate their emotional responses, they create space for deeper empathy and connection. As Wijkstrom suggests, the act of mindful communication—listening without interruption, speaking without judgment, and reflecting before responding—can help partners move through difficult conversations with grace and understanding (Wijkstrom, 2021).

Additionally, it’s important to recognize that some topics may require more than one conversation to fully process. Issues like financial strain or ongoing relationship anxieties are often multi-layered and evolving. A single check-in may not resolve these complexities, but it can be the starting point for ongoing dialogue. Encouraging partners to view their relationship check-ins as part of an ongoing journey, rather than a one-time solution, can help reduce the pressure to resolve everything immediately. This shift in perspective allows for greater flexibility, patience, and openness in the relationship.

Ultimately, navigating difficult conversations with care is about creating a container of safety and trust within the relationship. By approaching these conversations with mindfulness, empathy, and a willingness to pause when needed, partners can transform moments of conflict into opportunities for deeper connection and mutual understanding. For trans* and queer relationships, where external pressures may often complicate emotional dynamics, these mindful practices can be particularly valuable in sustaining healthy, supportive, and affirming partnerships.

Honouring Diverse Needs in Poly and Queer Relationships

Polyamorous relationships present unique challenges in meeting the emotional needs of multiple partners. Fern explains that cultivating secure attachments in these relationships requires more than the traditional attachment behaviors typically associated with monogamy. For polyamorous individuals, attachment bonds can still be formed through trust, open communication, and emotional availability, even when partners do not share a household or primary bond. The challenge, as Fern highlights, is in creating secure attachments across multiple relationships while navigating different needs and boundaries (Fern, 2020).

In addition to attachment needs, Fern’s concept of compersion—the joy derived from seeing a partner happy in another relationship—further highlights the importance of emotional resilience and secure attachment in polyamory. Building this kind of security allows partners to honor both their own needs and the needs of others in their polycule. This concept can be particularly relevant when discussing relationship check-ins, as these intentional conversations provide the opportunity for all partners to voice their needs and concerns in a safe, nonjudgmental space.

In practice, relationship check-ins within polyamorous dynamics can include discussions around emotional closeness, boundaries, and shifting needs. Fern emphasizes that these check-ins must foster an environment of nurturance and open communication to maintain balance and meet the diverse needs of all involved (Fern, 2020). By integrating these attachment-focused principles, therapists can help their polyamorous and queer clients build healthier, more secure relationships, honoring the complexities and nuances of their relational dynamics.

This approach aligns with Clunis and Green’s findings in Lesbian Couples (2005), where they emphasize that communication about diverse needs—whether in terms of gender, relationship roles, or emotional support—is essential for the success of any queer relationship (Clunis & Green, 2005). Encouraging partners to bring their full selves into these conversations, including aspects of identity shaped by race, class, and gender, ensures that intersectionality is acknowledged and respected.

By incorporating these ideas into relationship check-ins, therapists can help their clients create emotionally secure, anti-oppressive spaces that nurture all partners involved.

Building Rituals for Connection and Growth

Creating rituals around relationship check-ins can help partners feel connected, even during stressful times. As Wijkstrom (2021) points out, rituals provide a mindful way to maintain emotional closeness. Whether it’s lighting a candle before beginning a check-in or ending with an affirmation of love and gratitude, these small acts can significantly strengthen the bond between partners.

Rituals are especially helpful in trans* and queer relationships, where external pressures—such as navigating societal discrimination or internalized oppression—can create emotional strain. These intentional practices allow partners to reclaim moments of connection, even when life feels overwhelming. I often encourage my clients to celebrate both big and small wins. For trans* clients, this might mean acknowledging the joy of gender euphoria—a moment when their identity aligns with their inner sense of self. For polyamorous partners, it could be celebrating a new level of trust, such as the successful integration of a new partner into their dynamic.

Jessica Fern, in Polysecure, discusses the importance of rituals in polyamorous relationships, emphasizing that they provide a sense of stability and security. For partners in consensual nonmonogamous relationships, rituals can help navigate the complexities of multiple emotional bonds. These can include regular check-ins, marking significant milestones in each relationship, or creating shared moments of intimacy that help sustain the connection across different partnerships (Fern, 2020). Rituals, both ceremonial and mundane, offer structure and reliability, allowing all partners to feel valued and supported.

These moments of intentional reconnection allow partners to reflect on their growth, celebrate their achievements, and recommit to nurturing their relationship. Whether it’s through words of affirmation, a special shared activity, or even a symbolic gesture, these rituals reinforce the emotional foundation of the relationship, making it resilient to the external challenges partners may face.

Conclusion

Relationship check-ins are more than just a practice of communication—they are a powerful tool for cultivating emotional safety, trust, and deep connection, particularly in trans* and queer partnerships. For relationships that may already be navigating the complexities of identity, societal pressures, or polyamorous dynamics, regular check-ins offer a space to realign, reconnect, and reaffirm the commitment to each other’s well-being.

By creating intentional space for open dialogue, partners have the opportunity to address their evolving needs, express their vulnerabilities, and celebrate their shared growth. These conversations allow for the exploration of topics that might otherwise remain unspoken, such as the emotional impacts of external oppression, or the subtle shifts in intimacy and connection over time. Importantly, these check-ins help ensure that no one in the relationship feels overlooked, whether due to the demands of polyamory, the challenges of identity affirmation, or the pressures of daily life.

For therapists supporting trans* and queer clients, encouraging the integration of relationship check-ins into practice can be transformative. It equips clients with tools to navigate their relationships with greater mindfulness, fostering emotional resilience in the face of external and internal challenges. As Jessica Fern (2020) points out, these practices are essential in consensual nonmonogamous relationships, where multiple emotional bonds require intentional care and communication. In any partnership, the simple act of making space for each other’s voices, concerns, and affirmations can create a foundation of trust that holds the relationship steady, even during turbulent times.

Whether you’re a therapist seeking to support your clients through relationship dynamics, or someone hoping to deepen the connection in your own partnerships, relationship check-ins provide the structure and intentionality needed to sustain a healthy, fulfilling bond. With compassion, care, and commitment, these check-ins can indeed make all the difference.

Continue the Convo

If the ideas in this blog resonate with you, I warmly invite you to connect with me. Whether you’re a therapist seeking to deepen your practice or someone navigating complex relationship dynamics and looking for support, I’m here to help. You may book individual therapy sessions or peer consultations online. Be sure to bookmark this blog for future insights, reflections, and updates.

References

Banks, A., & Hirschman, L. A. (2016). Wired to connect: The surprising link between brain science and strong, healthy relationships. TarcherPerigee.

Clunis, D. M., & Green, G. D. (2005). Lesbian couples: A guide to creating healthy relationships. Seal Press.

Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, trauma and consensual nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.

Wijkstrom, S. (2021). Creating relationship wellness: Mastering the five essential elements to help your relationship thrive. Universal Publishers.